Ohio State’s finals season has finally rolled around, and if you’re anything like us, you’ve done little to nothing in preparation. We can’t give you any tips on how to succeed, but we sure as hell can teach you how to drown in the pain of failure. Nothing’s more stress-relieving than a cold one with the boys, but when during finals season are you the most stressed? During the actual exam. Put that non-transparent Swell water bottle to use and fill it up with your drink of choice, and take a shot every time…
6.) The TA’s remind you how to fill out the Scantron:
Scantrons suck. Not only are they aesthetically stressful, but no matter how straightforward they are, someone always has a question to ask. Come on people, it’s basic information — your birth date hasn’t changed in the past 18-23 years (we got you, fifth years). While everyone waits in mind-numbing anticipation for the exam, you can start numbing your mind in a way cooler fashion.
5.) “None of the above” is a valid option:
Possibly the one multiple choice answer worse than “All of the above,” “None of the above” stands at the pinnacle of why people hate test taking. Is it just there as filler? Or is the correct answer just genuinely not listed? The surest way to clear your mind of all that doubt is to drain 1.5 fluid ounces of your favorite liquor. It won’t go down easy, but the resulting F sure will.
4.) You think to yourself “I should’ve studied”:
No you should not have! (That is the frail, sober you speaking). Studying is for nerds and quitters, not a strong, independent student such as yourself. Regret is for the weak and you don’t have time for it. Keep moving and keep drinking.
3.) You’re told to pick the “best possible” answer:
We lied when we said “None of the above” is the worst thing possible. Yes, we know the answers are identical apart from one or two words. But which of those interchangeable words is correct? Don’t ask us. Your gut is probably telling you to just settle for the answer that has the most words, but your liver is telling you to mull it over a few more sips.
2.) The extended response question offers no partial credit:
Let’s be real: you’re not getting this right either way. Just drink. Always drink.
1.) Someone finishes the test insanely early:
There will always be one or two of these minion-loving twerps. Those students that finish their test before you’re even on page two are the epitome of terrible. A small part of you prays they just left the entire thing blank, but we both know you’re the one failing. Force those feelings of pressure and stress away with some lukewarm backpack liquor.
If your bottle isn’t empty by now, you’re either cheating or know your shit. So basically, you’re cheating. But that’s okay. Finish ‘er off and turn in your Scantron full of ignorance and alcoholism. Whether you’re heading home for the semester or onto another final, at least you won’t remember a thing.
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