It’s a few weeks into the new year and that means one thing: self-proclaimed fitness gods are going to bitch about how packed the gym is on social media. Every damn day.
Whether it’s tweeting or Instagram captioning, Snapchatting videos or complaining on Facebook, these #fitspo geniuses are complaining more than that one “Women for Hillary” sticker wearing girl in your women’s gender and sexuality class you took the day after Trump became Super Lord of the underworld.
“It’s just not fair that other people want to be healthy,” Jim, aka @gainsfordays said. “I’m the only one allowed to have resolutions about my body.”
Jim said that this year he plans to lift 500 pounds with his nose, while simultaneously eating an entire 12 pound stack of protein pancakes. Yes, the ones you see him make everyday on his Instagram story.
Other supporters of the #squatsfordays initiative say that the packed gyms around campus are affecting their mental health.
“The RPAC only had one squat rack open this afternoon,” Lauren, aka @bootyproteinliftqueen said. “There wasn’t even room for my videographer to get my entire routine on snapchat. We just had room to Instagram. It was tragic.”
Tragedy struck twice this week for the queen, she apparently had to stand in line at the salad station in the union.
“Usually I can get my hashtag (yes, she said hashtag out loud) greens in under thirty seconds,” Lauren said. “It took forty five seconds today.”
Since The Black Sheep is an objective newspaper that actually talks to sources, we decided to talk to the demons who ruined lives while treadmilling.
Sara was caught on the machinery in the act. She said she was trying to live a “better lifestyle.” Yeah… okay, Sara.
“I really just wanted to get a little bit more fit by spring break,” the monster said. “So I decided to work out four times a week.”
Editor’s Note: The Black Sheep did not dramatize the quote above. If you are at all feeling attacked by the statement, please contact your nearest healthcare agency.
Sara, the selfish bitch who values her health, also said that she plans to eat healthy and in moderation.
When Lauren heard of this, her fucking head exploded. She began to aggressively do one-armed push-ups while snorting protein powder in one nostril, and cocaine in the other.
“It amps me up, okay,” Lauren said, while eating her perfectly portioned chicken and broccoli. “I’m disgusted by these atrocities who are killing the American dream for me.”
If you aren’t a fitness guru and are at the JO North, South, North Rec, or RPAC ever, please fucking check yourself. Immediately.