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What Your Ohio State Spring Break Destination Says About You

 

Spring Break has finally blessed itself upon us. Weeks of tireless studying, endless Thompson visits, and heavy, heavy drinking have resulted in a seven-day rest period where you are finally encouraged to have some peace of mind. Peace of mind is for boners though, and you likely have something else planned.

 

Fort Lauderdale, Florida: The OG Frat Guy
So maybe you’re not the most original guy in the room. When you got in trouble for drinking sophomore year of high school, your parents probably began to ask if your all your friends jumped off a cliff, and you wouldn’t even let them finish the sentence. The answer is a definitive yes, you ride or die by your homies. Fortunately, while you lack in Spring break creativity, you more than make up for it in the fun department. “Fun” is a phrase which at OSU means, “able to slug an entire handle of Fireball in half an hour, recklessly scream obscenities at whoever is unfortunate enough to cross your path, fingerbang a hard 4 in on the second floor of Midway, and not only be fine, but content with it in the morning.” You already have your made-up story to tell your parents when you get home.

 

Cabo San Lucas, Mexico: The Cultured Student
While probably only slightly more inspired than your friends going to Laudy, you’ve got an aesthetic to uphold and 20,000 followers to please. You’re not just any basic ass sorority girl. You’re a cultured basic ass sorority girl. Your instagram bio probably mentions something about wanderlust. While you heavily debated studying abroad, you likely decided against it after realizing that there’s not enough Sig Chi frat cock in Munich, Germany. You get incredibly excited to tell your friends about your one black friend. And, yes, Condado’s totally counts as authentic Mexican food. Idiot.

 

Panama City Beach, Florida: The ~Out There~ Student
You’re definitely slow. Maybe even a little ignorant. This isn’t the first time you’ve heard that, but none of that shit matters as long as you’re having fun goddammit. Sure, you’ve heard your friends in Smith Steeb tell you that PCB has been a no go zone since they banned beach drinking last year, but your too amped on your cousin’s wild stories of years past to freaking give a heck. Even if things don’t work out, The Black Eyed Peas concert nearby totally makes up for it. They’re the shit right now.

 

Home (Out of State): The Student Who Branched Out But Didn’t Make It Far
You’re not the wildest card, but you like to look at the bright side of things. At least you get a nice change of pace. It’s the first time seeing your family and escaping mass-produced food in a couple weeks. While you’re friends are sending you snaps of pure mayhem, that’s nothing compared to how cute your dog is. You can’t wait to drink with your friends from high school, maybe get the liquor courage text your ex that you’ve been thinking about lately. After about four days, you’ll remember that home fucking sucks. You’re parents are still going to chastise you for literally anything you do. There’s nothing to talk about with your friends anymore. Your brain stimulation for the week comes from debating what’s sadder, slugging a 12 pack of Bud Light to yourself, or crying over the phone to your ex. Yes, she upgraded. No, it’s not debatable. Your dog is still the man, though.

 

Home (Ohio): The Student Who Didn’t Branch Out At All
Unlike your out of state friends, you don’t even try to be optimistic about the next week. Maybe it’s a break from school, but for what? That’s right, Ohio. There’s really nothing to be that stoked about here. Double the misery if you’re from Cincinnati (Have you heard they invented Skyline Chili?).

 

Whether you’re having the time of your life with thousands of your newest, drunkest friends on a beach and enjoying the sun, or you’re stuck at home looking for your old pocket pussy, live it up. At least you have a break from studying for midterms.

 

 

 

 

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