The madness erupted at promptly 10:30 a.m. Monday morning. Until this point, the day was proceeding as expected, Nick Voles in attendance for his morning accounting lecture.
“He was repeatedly checking his watch and acting extremely fidgety. I was astounded by his presence at all after checking his snapchat story from the night before,” reported one classmate.
As class was beginning to wrap up, the doors were thrown by two presumably college-aged men wearing cheap rubber masks, one being a chimp, the other Richard Nixon. Certain witnesses even claim he spoke in a very convincing Nixon accent. The two assailants casually approached Voles, lazily grabbing his arms and muttering, “C’mon, let’s go Nick.”
“Nick wasn’t very convincing when they came in,” another classmate reported. “He said, ‘Oh no! Help! This is a kidnapping! Well, I mean, I assume it’s a kidnapping. They’re wearing masks and taking me by force! I am not consenting. That basically defines kidnapping, really what else could this be…never mind! Just help!’ It all just seemed pretty fake.”
Watching these events unfold, Voles’s classmate and friend Patricia West decided to head to his dorm to investigate.
“Obviously it was fake,” West proclaimed with an eye roll when ask if she was scared for her friend’s safety, “I just wanted to go see if he was home so I could ask where his buddy got that Nixon mask. My roommates and I are throwing a ‘Presidents-who-almost-got-impeached-but-resigned-first’ themed party, and Nixon would be the perfect costume.”
West never got her answer however, as when approaching his room, she found a note taped to the door littered in cut-out magazine letters.
“To whoever this concerns, this is a ransom note. Nick has been kidnapped. However, since he is the most swole guy we know, he will probably escape soon. No later than May 3rd, probably.”
The campus was put into lockdown- “because protocol requires it” the head of campus police admitted reluctantly- for almost 45 minutes. However by 11:13a.m. CampusParc had located and identified Voles getting lunch with two friends at Chipotle.
When brought in for questioning, Voles barely hesitated confessing, seemingly proud of himself.
“Oh yeah, I planned the whole thing! I even wrote that realistic note- I saw the magazine letter thing in a movie one time! I just promised to buy my friends burritos and they were more than willing to help out. Pretty cool, right?”
However, Voles pride was short-lived as a striking realization hit him, moments later asking, “Wait, does this mean I still do have to take my finals…shit.”