If Ohio State Bars Had Realistic Bar Slogans

author-pic at Ohio State University  

Ohio State is blessed with High Street, an area where you can find dozens of bars within a mile, which is a short walk if you’re an OSU student. The bars are everywhere and they are all unique in their own way, but one thing is missing from each: slogans that truly represent the incredible establishments. 

Plaza – “Overpriced (But Delicious) Margs

Want the true Plaza experience? Start the night out emptying your wallet over to two Piña Coladas. Want the true experience? End the night, still at Plaza, while your friend pukes up two too many Piña Coladas.

Formaggio’s – “No Dancing Allowed (we’re sorry, there genuinely isn’t any room even if you wanted to)

It’s hard to say anything bad about Formaggio’s. It’s also hard to say anything good about Formaggio’s. Come enjoy a blue pitcher of god knows what and a boom or seven in very, very tight quarters. 

Too’s Under High – “The Only Place You Pay to Have Water Thrown in Your Face”

We get it, you want to sound unique and mysterious by saying Too’s is your favorite bar. If you’re early enough to get a table, you can enjoy the free entertainment of a guitar-wielding hipster all night. No, we don’t mean his music, we mean hearing him roast the dozen women fan-girling him at any given moment. How many Tidal Waves will you orders for noobs? The limit does not exist. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Big Bar – “Come Here Once, You’re Never Coming Back”

You want to experience every bar on campus at least once, right? Luckily for you, one time at Big Bar is all anyone needs… unless you’re a D1 athlete or divorced father-turned-townie. If you can make it out without feeling mildly sweaty and mildly violated, you’re one of the lucky few. 

Ethyl & Tank – “You Better Not Have Left Your Converse High-Tops at Home”

Are you a hipster? No? Do you want to be be? Pop on a size-too-large flannel and a pair of fake glasses and come to Ethyl. They have a bouncer that 100 percent is Taylor Lautner from Twilight and if that’s not reason enough to stop in, then you’re a straight dude with no sense of culture. 

4th Street – “4th Street Bar and Grill- Where You Can Pretend You’re an Actual Adult, not a Broke College Student”

Have you ever wanted to feel like your night isn’t spiraling downwards towards the front stage at Bullwinkle’s at a rapid pace? Start at 4th Street. Grab some nachos and sing some real shitty Blink 182 cover. You can pretend you won’t wake up covered in someone else’s puke for at least an hour out two.

The O – “No Jersey, No Sunglasses, No Service”

Frat house not frat enough? Head to The O, the only place where being frat isn’t only (barely) accepted- but welcome. Make sure to bring your “retro” jerseys and fake Ray Bans, along with your rohypnol. What? Nothing. 

Bullwinkles – “Get Ready for a Night You’ll Remember but Really, Really, Really Wish You Didn’t”

The person you are going into Bulls with won’t be the same as the person who comes out. And some nights, that’s exactly what you need. You’ll see every part of Ohio State in Bull’s: the jock, the sorority girl, the GDI, the engineering TA and quite possibly Donald Trump. 

God loves Ohio State and thus he gave us all of these forever loved bars. No construction can take them away from us. Until they do. 

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