This past weekend, an unimaginable tragedy struck the Ohio State greek community. Marissa Muskes, a freshman Delta Iota pledge, bought the wrong pair of Adidas.
Reportedly, Muskes had recently made a well-intentioned trip to Easton Town Center to purchase a new pair of shoes. She decided on a seafoam green pair of Adidas- friends claim to be her “favorite color–”straying from the stereotypical white with black stripes.
Not realizing the severity of her error, Muskes attended weekly chapter as per usual. Texts from the victim show she was having a very average day, and was “excited to show off her new kicks.” However, when her shoes caught the eye of another DI pledge, all shit hit the fan.
Slurs were bellowed, punches were thrown, and worst of all- Muskes was banned from DI for life.
A fellow pledge, who would prefer to remain anonymous, came forward saying, “It was terrifying. I’ve never seen anything cause that much panic that quickly. One minute everything was fine, the next fake nails and hair littered the floor. I’ve gone to therapy everyday since.”
A divide still stands in DI, many proclaiming Muskes a “trendy hipster,” while others still scorn her breaking the norm.
This divide has spread much farther than the Delta Iota chapter alone, as some sororities have offered their condolences to Muskes, while others claim they would act exactly the same if put in DI’s position.
Brooke Gearhart, President of the sorority council at OSU, said she has gone as far as to prep her leaders with weapons, with help from the NRA.
“We love them white skinny girls,” Chuck Collins, a local NRA member said. “Seein’ ’em with shootin’ sticks is a bigger turn on than twin pornography.”
While no sororities have has to use their new weapons, many fear of an escalation of violence if one stance cannot be agreed upon, even the potential of an all out civil war breaking out between members.
“I’ll cut those bitches two doors to the left of us if they even try to say colored Adidas are out,” Mary Heist, a third-year instagram model from the sorority with dark lipstick said. “They can’t keep up with our unique style and hate on anyone that tries to be themselves.”
As for how she feels for the victim, Mary yelled “Sad!,” adding over-kill to the fucking worst joke known to Earth.
In speaking to a local Frat Boy, he opened our eyes to why this simple error was such a huge misstep.
“Honestly, it’s just a major turn off, any of my brothers would agree. When we see those signature black stripes on a white pair of Adidas, we know immediately that babe is DTF. Even a pair of fake Yeezy’s or Timbs would do. Did I mention I’m in a frat?”
Muskes’s mother has come forward, stating that while her daughter may lose sight in both eyes as well as her left leg due to injuries sustained in the riot, the true loss is far greater than that.
“I just can’t believe her own sisters would do something like that, especially to a legacy like my daughter. And now, the Muskes name is ruined forever. Way to go Marissa.”
Whether praying the tension will die down, or secretly hoping for a full-fledge sorority vs. sorority war (because that would probably be super hot), all that we can do now is hold our breath and wait.
WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.