The mystery of a recent increase in student visits to the health center has been solved, according to campus reps. For the past few days, health officials and administrators have been baffled by a strange phenomenon affecting a large portion of Ohio State’s male student population. According to data released by the Wilce Center this morning, in the past 48 hours nearly 80 male students have been admitted and treated for the same condition: strained genitals.
As one of the physicians on staff, Dr. Richard Hardon told us, “At first we figured it was just a coincidence — a couple horny kids getting a little too weird with their willies. But then more and more of ’em started showing up with their junk in a funk and we realized something was up.”
Dr. Hardon’s confusion was shared by many of the center’s health professionals. As an almost constant stream of students began waddling in and out of the Wilce gingerly cupping their family jewels, an emergency meeting was called amongst all of the university’s physicians to address the issue. For hours, the “A Team” of nearly 20 doctors deliberated and discussed the possible causes of what was slowly becoming an epidemic. Little headway was made. Was it some sort of virus that targeted the male sex organ? Something in the water? It truly was a mystery!!
Then, one of the youngest M.D.s on staff, a young doctor by the name of Harry Coch, made a breakthrough.
“Everyone else was freaking out and I was just like, maybe they’re all just jerking off to the same crazy shit.”
Although Coch’s theory seemed rather elementary, the other health experts begrudgingly agreed to put it to the test. The newest arrivals to the health center were asked to divulge their browser’s history as part of a “random health survey” and the results were shocking. While each of the male student’s recent internet activity contained a horrifying amount of porn, none of the sites or searches overlapped. The only commonality amongst their recently viewed sites was a webpage on the ESPN site. Upon clicking the URL for the page, the doctors (minus Dr. Coch) were astounded to be directed to the newest hype video for the OSU football team’s 2015 season:
When asked for their thoughts, not one physician was able to give a valid reason for the use of the hype video as masturbation material. So instead, The Black Sheep went straight to the source and interviewed one of the students who had been treated for what the Wilce Center has dubbed the “Scarlet and Grey Dick.” Despite being urged by friends and family to remain anonymous, Dirk Longschaft (self-titled “The Snake”) gave us the following commentary on his condition:
“Hell yeah I shot off a couple loads to that video. Who hasn’t?? Me and the guys on my intramural soccer-tennis team got together last night and we all played our flesh horns for every goddamn minute of that thing. Nothing turns a limp noodle dick into a cock that’s as hard as my last philosophy exam like the sight of Zeke’s glistening abs peeking out below that little crop top. I’m not even surprised my anaconda couldn’t take the heat.”
After learning of the situation at OSU, the ESPN site has now issued a disclaimer, which plays before the hype video, warning viewers of the potential dangers. The Wilce Center says all of the injuries sustained from the video were minor and have been treated without complications, and hopes that other students will use this as a reminder to always use lotion.