This year OUAB did its best to weed out the best pot-related opener for the 4/20 Big Spring Concert. Guns a blazin’, they managed to get Young The Giant and Anime to the stage so that the audience can be mesmerized by “Cough Syrup” and “Caroline” and drink for the rest of it.
But they still wake up in a cold sweat, shaking to the beat of “Black Beetle” continuously playing in their deepest nightmares.
“I’ve had a reoccurring dream of Rae Sremmurd since he came to OSU last spring,” said Alex Anderson, a member of OUAB, whilst staring directly at a wall popping her hip in and out, seemingly unconscious to the world. “Do you know the emotional strain of having ‘Black Beetle’ stuck in your head for the past thirteen-and-a-half months has on a person?”
It wasn’t long before Anderson found that she was not alone in her dreams.
“I’ve been having this recurring nightmare of Alex and Rae Sremmurd since his performance last year,” said Chase Deen, scratching his left elbow, the scratching gradually and violently moving to the rest of his body to a manic state. “They’re just making cake together, innocently. But then ‘Black Beetle’ comes on, and it’s just going on and on and on and on and they’re making cake to the tune of”—he turned, looking into his own camera—”that song.”
A third member of OUAB, in tears, agreed to do an interview concerning the Big Spring Concert after taking a year hiatus out of school following Sremmurd’s performance.
“‘That girl is a real crowd pleaser,’” she whispered, still unable to identify herself, quietly picking up a litter of black beetles she keeps hidden in her room and smelling them. “‘Small world all her friends know me. Young bull livin’ like an old geezer. Release the cash watch it fall slowly. Frat girls still tryna get even’”—she turned to our The Black Sheep reporter for the next line—“‘haters mad for whatever reason.’”
This particular interview was cut short due to our reporter’s need to “get the fuck out of there, quick.”
Despite the manic state of OUAB, there were some members who remained level-headed following Sremmurd’s performance.
“I don’t blame Gucci Mane, I don’t even blame R-R-R-R-R-R-Rae,” said Grant Host, third-year OUAB member. “They’re just performers singing catchy beats. They can’t help the way their songs make us feel, or how it ruins our family.”
Host’s family reported that, since the concert, Host has been unable to effectively communicate and has stopped blinking. He reportedly screams every time he hears any beat that begins with a high-low-middle pitch, making Christmas “one a hell of a time.”
“What has this performer done to our son?” said Nancy Host, self-proclaimed mother of Grant. “They’ve been hypnotized by his music—I hear poor Grant singing it in his sleep.”
To remedy the impact of last year, The Black Sheep sent flowers to OUAB—unfortunately they said they didn’t receive them.
Know anyone at one of these schools?
UNC-Wilmington –$100 BOUNTY
University of Arizona — $300 BOUNTY!
Texas A&M Corpus Christi — $100 bounty!
Auburn — $100 bounty!
Penn State — $100 bounty!
Indiana — $100 bounty!
SUNY Oswego — $100 bounty!
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $$$$ if they’re hired!
DM our twitter and we’ll take it from there!