Happy December, Buckeyes! You all know what that means, right? Christmas Hanukkah Chanukah Kwanza Snow Snowmen Hot Chocolate Fun Sweaters Presents Sledding Sleeping Finals! Yep, you guessed! Not only is it dreaded final exams week(s), but many of you will be partaking in the most excruciating walk of shame you’ll walk all year: the walk of shame to the class you haven’t shown up to all semester. It may seem daunting at first, but with a couple tips and tricks, you’ll possibly, hopefully, maybe be able to pass—maybe.
Step 1- Befriend the Kid Who Emails Your Whole Class Selling The Study Guide:
There’s always that one over-achiever in every class that everybody hates the entire semester, but kisses their ass towards the end of that same year, and chances are it’s the kid who takes the sweet precious time of their day to make their own personalized study guide. If there’s anybody who can help you in your time of need, Study Guide Kid is your best bet. Reply to their email and sweet talk your way towards friendship: compliments like “What a great study guide” and “I’ll take two” will be sure to get them. Not only will you have the key to the exam (Study Guide Kid never fails), but you’ll also have someone to sit next to when everyone is wondering who the hell you are when you finally come to class on exam day.
Step 2- Convince People You’re Just There For Funsies:
Bring it around town and prove them all wrong and claim that you actually don’t even have to be in class in the first place. You’re just a student of the world and happened to stumble upon an O Chem class and thought that it would be in your best interest to stay there voluntarily and learn. There’s a chance this might be a little more embarrassing than just admitting you didn’t show up for class, but at this point you need all the credit you can get.
Step 3- Dress the Part of the Class:
No one will disbelieve you’re in a certain class if you dress the part! If you’re a business student, obviously you’ll wear a suit! Sports Industry class? Your Zeke (ily Zeke we miss you bud) jersey! Actuarial science? We don’t know what they do so you’re screwed! Dressing up as the epitome of everything that class stands for will make your peers believe that you, in no shape or form, cannot not care for that class. It will be like an incredibly less fun version of Halloween, and the possibilities are endless, people!
Step 4- Pray to the Buckeye Gods:
Get on your knees and pray to the one Holy Father, Daddy Urban Meyer. Let’s get real, at this point in the semester you need all the help you can get, and Urban can pretty much do anything, so let’s hope that he’s able to pull a W for you when it comes to finals season.
Happy Finals Week, Buckeyes, and know that the real triumph of the end of the semester already happened: beating Michigan.