How to Pretend Your Hometown is Actually Columbus

author-pic at Ohio State University  

With Spring Break starting today, some of us less fortunates will not have the luxury of laying on a beach drunk, and therefore, content and at peace. As the rest of us lug ourselves back to the various exciting parts of Ohio or out out of state somewhere that Ohioans don’t understand/care about, you might get a little homesick for your second home, Ohio State (tears). When you’re ready to come back to campus two days into break when your mom stops treating you like a back-home-baller, here’s a few reminders that Ohio State isn’t too different from your hometown.

3.) The Oval = Your Local Park:

If you’re looking for a place to people watch, but The Oval ™ isn’t in your proximity, your local park that we’re sure is called “(insert your high school name) Park” will do the trick. While the Oval offers you nice shade under a tree and the chance to get some freebies (!!) from random people handing out things, at your (insert high school name) Park you’ll get a different kind of freebie. A free show of ~wild~ middle schoolers illegally fucking after sundown under a nearby tree. Since the popo had nothing else to do, they’ll probably expose them and shut down that fuck fest quick. Too bad for you, since it was the only entertainment you had planned for the day.

2.) Bull’s/The O/Fourth Street/Chumley’s/Etc. = Your Local Bar:

If you’re sick of only seeing unemployed, white wannabe-country racists you went to high school with on Tinder, try going out to your local bar! Instead of seeing drunken 20-something-burnouts mixed with underage thrill seekers, you’ll see what these burnouts will become in 20-30 years. Sad! Burnouts you will probably see: your Student Senate president, your history teacher who you knew was drunk the entire time she taught, and the wrestling coach with his “buddies.” With luck, that history teacher will buy you and drink and life at home will come full circle.

3). OSU’s Shit-Ton of Academic Buildings = Your High School:

If for some God-awful reason you feel the need to be in the presence of academia again (???), we guess you can visit your old high school which still doesn’t have proper heating and looks like its design is straight out of That 70’s Show. If you’re that asshat who does go back to their high school to mooch off old teachers because you were an ass-kisser then and have slowly dwindled down from A-student to having a “C’s get degrees” college mindset, have fun. You’ll need it.

So while you inaudibly cry as you scroll through Instagram seeing your friends drench themselves in alcohol on a foreign beach since your parents go to bed at 8 p.m. and you don’t want to wake them up, know that you have these options to bring you back to ol’ OSU. Godspeed, fellow Buckeyes.

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