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Shit You’re Definitely Too Old for at Ohio State

There’s nothing more depressing than realizing it’s senior year, and all of your worst fears about being old and irrelevant at Ohio State have finally come true. Long gone are the days you were able to bong Lokos all night and still make it to your 8 a.m. class the next day. Being a senior, you really just don’t bounce back like you used to anymore. Let’s take a walk down memory lane and remember the shit you’re too old for at Ohio State: 

5.) Spending your Thursday nights at Cantina:
Remember getting all gussied up with your squad of 20 and wasting money on an Uber, just to spend your Thursday night downtown rubbing up on people on the Cantina dance floor? Remember how easy it was to roll out of bed the next morning with a pounding headache and take on a full day of classes? It’s not that you wouldn’t be caught dead in Cantina today (yes, you would) but it’s that nowadays you need to give yourself a 30-minute pep talk just to step away from the Netflix and get out the door on a Thursday night.

4.) Drinking all-day, every gameday:
Just four years ago, there was nothing better than waking up at the asscrack of dawn, slapping a block O sticker on your cheek, and putting on a t-shirt fit for a toddler to go spend the morning, afternoon, and night boozing for the Bucks. An average OSU game day consisted of the pre-block pregame, then to top-tier blocks only, on to watching half of the actual game, followed by a post-game nap, and then waking up, heading out, and shutting down the bars on High Street. Now, you’re lucky if you can stomach a lukewarm Natty at all before noon.

3.) Hanging out on the second floor of Midway:
Oh Midway: your sweaty, sticky second floor complete with strobe lights and an elevated surface. What once used to be the motherland of all your one-night stands has now become nothing but a cesspool of nastiness to your senior self. Unfortunately, your days of gyrating on the too-small dance floor are far behind you. Now, the second you take a step upstairs at Midway, your heart begins to race, your anxiety skyrockets, and you b-line to the door to take cover and find safety on the equally-as-crowded patio with all the other old farts.

2.) Drinking bombs at Bullwinkles like they’re water:
Not long ago, $1 bombs at Bullwinkles sounded like music to your broke-college-student ears. In your youth you could throw back the sugary concoction like there was no tomorrow, even if there was and you had dozens of responsibilities calling your name. Now, one bomb sends you damn-near into diabetic shock and you wake up the next morning with your body in severe pain, muttering the words, “I’m…never….going back….to Bulls…again.”

1.) Making “class friends”:
As a freshman, the pressure was on to make awkward small talk with the people next to you in your 700-person lecture just in case you ever needed the notes sent to you. Soon you formed a little posse and had some of the best “class friends” you could ever ask for, even if you never actually knew their names. But seniors are grumpy, tired, and socially awkward. Nowadays you have no desire to socialize and would rather isolate yourself in the back of the classroom than risk sitting close enough for someone to try and make conversation with you.

Remember, as the great Drake once sort of said, “You’re in college for a good time, not a long time.” These are the glory days, and it really only gets worse from here.

 

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