So you don’t have enough friends to stuff into your small-ass Honda civic for a hella ragin’ spring break vacay this year just like the past every other year of your life and you are now entering panic mode. That’s okay, because here at THE Ohio State University, we have everything (besides wifi) for the friendless people like you to pretend like you’re at a destination vacation, without actually leaving campus. Here are the alternatives:
Missing Cancun, Mexico? Try Apollo’s on High:
If you want the authentic experience of getting sloshed in an unfamiliar land full of people who speak another language and probably hate your white-ass for disrupting peace as you desperately try to take pictures with them holding food of their culture to make you look less basic, look no further than Apollos on High. Why would you cross the boarder and risk not being allowed back when you can get an equally as gratifying experience just down the street after stumbling out of Plaza full of spiked blue margs and holding about 5 baby bear shot glasses in your purse? Apollos employees are guaranteed to hate you just as much and add to your touristy experiences.
Are You a California Girl Whose Unforgettable? Head to the RPAC:
Go to your car, sit there for 30 hours then come out and walk your ass over to the RPAC where you can meet just as body-conscious people lifting just as heavy weights and looking at themselves in the mirror just as hard. Maybe also get one of those expensive-ass açaí bowls to top off the pretentious experience.
New York, New York to Big Bar, Is That My High School History Sub?:
Well damn if you wanted to get pissed on, yelled at while equally being told you’re the outsider then why the fuck haven’t you used your vertical ID to get to Big Bar then snuck up to the top floor where all the (literal) daddies are waiting to whip out their shrivel dicks and forget about their bladder problems on the dance floor. Even sweeter is the sensation you will get from being escorted back downstairs by the bouncers who see the exes on your hand and getting judged by the elderly.
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida? More like Morrill Traditions Am I Right?:
Do you want the sensation of sitting beach side getting blacked out internally and orange externally while consistently being wet? Try Morrill Tower women’s side showers for that one. In a living area so raunchy and large, there is a high likelihood that some freshman got a spray tan before break and has left their mark on the walls of the shower for people like you to roll around in. And because you will be in Morrill, you’ll already be drunk for the experience!
If this doesn’t work then maybe switch it up a bit and get friends who have money or a beach house or a sugar daddy on sugardaddies.com who will fund your vacation. But with so many options available right here on campus, why would you ever want to leave?
What does Trumpcare mean for YOU: