If this year hasn’t been as sexually adventurous as you expected it to be (it hasn’t been) and the girls you’ve been hooking up with aren’t the bombshells you thought they would be (they aren’t) head over to Tinder and lay down some of these lines and you’ll be doing the backstroke through bitches in no time.
Nothing says “let me come over and have sex with you because you happen to live within 5 miles of me” like a pickup line about high-glucose levels and insulin resistance. If the insulin isn’t the only thing being resistant (see above attempt) don’t be afraid to use the sympathy card.
This particular line is a safe bet because it sets the bar pretty low. Girls will now associate you with Jimmy John’s and thus won’t be as disappointed when you’re “not that filling,” ”mediocre,” or “an immediate regret.” But remember not to get to down on yourself, as the majority of girls you meet on Tinder are cheaper than Jimmy’s day old bread.
Nothing turns a girl on more than the thought of having to sacrifice her dreams and ambitions to spend her days changing some crying, bald thing’s diapers while you sit on the couch and slip beer into it’s sippy cup. Trust me. When she’s curled up in a ball on her kitchen floor pulling her hair out and spoon-feeding herself Gerber mushy sweet potatoes, she’ll think back in between uncontrollable sobs and remember that smooth pickup line that got her here in the first place.
“Wow that’s super fucking creepy.” No it’s not, it’s festive. Girls love holidays, especially Christmas. However, if for whatever reason the idea of an old bearded man who runs a sweat shop powered by midget labor breaking into your house in the middle of the night doesn’t get her all riled up, don’t be so quick to give up on the spirit of Christmas. Just hit her with another season’s greeting: Hey babe, are you Macaulay Culkin, cause I just want to get you Home Alone.
You can’t spell “sexually transmitted disease” without “sexy.”
Bitches looooove Chipotle. This is a scientific fact. Drop a line like this and she’ll be wrapped up in your arms tighter than that dude with gauges and green hair just wrapped your burrito. You’ll haver her just begging for you to give her a side of your honey vinaigrette dressing.
The only thing smoother than the peanut butter is this pickup line. Just let her know you’re packing 100% real nuts and she’ll be all over you in a Jif. If she happens to be allergic to peanuts there’re a few more routes you can take the conversation but I’m Nutelling you any of them (holy shit someone take this keyboard away from me).
Honestly, if you can get this line to work you either really managed to tap into her sympathetic side or you’re just much better looking than I am (doubtful.) But hey, if she doesn’t respond don’t get too down on yourself, your parents don’t respond either.
I’m not talking about the jawbreakers that you can buy at your local mall out of some gumball machine that also sells pirate jewelry made out of plastic, I’m talking about the ones that Ed, Edd ‘n Eddy were munching on while strolling through their neighborhood.
If she was born in the 90s (which let’s be honest you’re not hooking up with any girl who wasn’t) then this line is a guaranteed success. Nothing is sexier than nostalgia. And if she’s a little weary at first tell her she can come right next-door and talk Mr. Weeny for some reassurance.