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‘Turf Guy’ Accepts Big Ten MVP Award After Performance Saturday Night

In light of his sensational and awe-inspiring performance Saturday night, “Turf Guy” humbly agreed Sunday night to accept a Big Ten MVP Award, the second of the weekend.

In what became the definite highlight of the Big Ten Championship game between Ohio State and Wisconsin, fans and viewers from all over Ohio to Nasty Smelly Cheeseland were mesmerized by the almost 15 minute face off between man and soil after a klutzy Wisconsin football player ripped the turf in two. 

Turf Guy then entered the stage to perform emergency surgery.

Yet even with the world watching his every move, Turf Guy executed the task at hand like a trained Navy SEAL ready to go into battle, eyes focused on the turf, flowing like a dark river between his dexterous fingers.

When his teammates (everybody) needed him most, Turf Guy knew immediately what to do when it came to what many are calling “an undertaking of a lifetime.”

“Well, I just did what I was trained to do,” Turf Guy said in the way we all know how Turf Guy says the things he says. “We continuously prepare for emergencies like this one. I’ve prepped my whole life for this moment.”

While Turf Guy himself was prepared for the code red emergency, no one else in the stadium on Saturday night would have ever imagined the live-action craftsmanship they were about to be privileged enough to see in person.

Lucy Canten, third-year biology major and lucky in-person spectator of Turf Guy’s mending of the turf, had a seat on the ten-yard line right in front of the action.

“I thought I came to see my Bucks play. And I did…” Canten said, twisting her hands nervously like a giddy schoolgirl. “But had I known I was also going to get to see Turf Guy work his magic…”

“I was sweating,” said Tyler Markiese, third-year sports industry major and Canten’s boyfriend.

Canten and Markiese weren’t the only ones on the sidelines impressed by Turf Guy’s demonstration.

“Watching him, watching his hands so powerfully caress the turf…that power, but with the gentle touch of a mother holding her child for the first time…” Urban Meyer said, tears welling in his eyes. “I just knew that man needed to be recognized.”

Meyer then urged Archie Griffin, who handed the first Big Ten award to J.K. Dobbins, to reconsider a second MVP.

“I was relieved when Urban reached out to me, because I felt the exact same way,” Griffin said. “His hands…the way they moved…yeah, Dobbins was a good choice, but over Turf Guy? Not a chance. That man saved the game.”

“His hands,” Meyer gushed. “You can’t say enough about the man’s hands.” 

As expected, Turf Guy only responded with humble words.

“This isn’t just my trophy, but my whole team’s trophy,” Turf Guy said, turf still clinging to his bare, chiseled hands. “This trophy is also for my partner in crime, Rake Guy. I couldn’t have done it without you, man.”

Sources close to Ohio State football say that Meyer is in the process of bidding for a third Big Ten MVP Award, this time for Rake Guy.

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