The residents of Drackett Tower rejoiced this past weekend when President Michael Drake delivered keg upon keg of Natural Light to their dorms, which has been experiencing on-and-off water supplies for the past month.
“We had been drinking water out of the sinks, showers, and even the toilets,” said a 12th floor resident to The Black Sheep. “It was hard to stay hydrated at the end of the night when we get home from Bull’s. I’m in a quad, so we were all fighting to get to the water first.”
“Doggy style may be fun in bed, but it’s not an enjoyable way to drink water,” the resident continued.
When the university decided to shut off the main drinking water supply in Drackett Tower because of a Legionnaires’ disease outbreak, they were unaware of other dangers it would put their students in.
“I live on the 11th floor, and one morning I woke up hungover as fuck,” said a student, who was wearing a class of 2017 high school sweatshirt. “While I was trying to find drinking water, I passed out from dehydration.”
In an attempt to smooth things over, Drake decided to give the 12-story building filled with students what they wanted: free beer.
“The university chose Natural Light because that’s all we had allocated in the budget,” Drake said. “We had to spend $1.4 million on a clock tower because we were afraid students would be late getting places, which, in retrospect, wasn’t the smartest choice when we don’t have water in one of our living places.”
According to sources close to Drake, he mentioned something about if students can drink it at frat parties, they can drink it in Drackett.
It may be some of the “shittier” beer on the spectrum, but residents didn’t seem to mind one bit. The Black Sheep witnessed multiple students keg-standing in the lobby while others stood around crying tears of happiness. One student even claimed to have discovered his soulmate during the joyous occasion.
“I walked off of the elevator into the lobby, and there she was: upside down and chugging beer like I had never seen before,” the student said. “I knew at that moment that I was in love.”
He said that he plans on proposing to her as soon as he musters up the balls to talk to her.
What was once a dorm filled with dehydrated students yearning for something to drink is now being referred to as the happiest place on campus. Multiple Drack City residents said they plan on selling all of their football tickets because you can only get one beer at The ‘Shoe, but there’s bottomless kegs in their dorm. And, on top of all of that, it’s free.
President Drake said that the university plans to supply a sufficient amount of beer to Drackett Tower until the water is turned back on.
“Tarps off,” Drake said.
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