As you may have noticed, Ohio University is occasionally blessed with the presence of traveling, ultra-conservative Christian evangelists. They preach in high-traffic areas such as the top of Baker Center or along Court St. They hold graphic signs and preach to students as they walk to class. And they’re pretty much anti-everything. But mostly, they target the LGBTQ community.
Chances are good that you’ve seen these folks before, and they probably made you pretty uncomfortable. But you’re in luck! By the end of this article, you’ll be well prepared to run into these picketing preachers. Here is The Black Sheep’s top 10 best ways to react to the anti-LGBTQ protester.
10.) Walk by them without saying anything or making any eye contact:
These guys are obviously looking for attention, so maybe it’s best to just walk by the preachers and pretend you don’t even notice them. If you go this route, you risk appearing afraid – which you’re totally not.
9.) Get agitated, Bobcats!:
Sometimes, us Bobcats just need to get agitated – and this is the perfect opportunity to let off some steam. You see the crazy preacher guy yelling nonsense and holding a disgusting sign right outside of Baker. You also see a tour group of potential students walking on the sidewalk. This pisses you off pretty bad. So what are you gonna do about it? Start yelling things like, “Hey! You suck!” or “Go away!”
8.) Take a selfie:
Once you get the anger out of your system, you might want to take advantage of the absurd situation by taking a selfie. In this day and age, your selfie game isn’t strong unless something ridiculous is happening in the background. Snap a pic of your face and make sure to get the preachers behind you. Upload that shit to Instagram – but before you post, make sure you have a good caption. It’s all about the caption.
7.) Show them “The Dress”:
These people are probably the only ones left who haven’t seen “The Dress.” So it’s a great opportunity to truly freak these freaks out. Pull up your phone and ask, “Is this blue and black or white and gold?” Watch as their lives fall apart.
6.) Ask them if they’ve ever masturbated before:
When a guy is preaching about something as personal as a person’s sexuality, it kind of gives you the right to ask him about his sexuality. Also, he’s making you feel uncomfortable and unsafe on your own college campus. By inquiring about his self-pleasuring habits, you’ll succeed in making him extremely uncomfortable too.
5.) Throw a book at their heads:
Throw a book – any book – right at their heads. They obviously need to read one.
4.) Start shooting your bomb-ass music video:
So you’re an up-and-coming hip-hop sensation, and you need some sick B-roll for your next music video. This is your chance to go viral!
3.) Be as gay as possible:
It’s obvious that these people aren’t into gay marriage or anything related to the LGBTQ community. So stand around them and gay it up. Drape yourself in a rainbow cape, hold hands with your same-sex significant other, or better yet, make out with them. You’re on a date and making a statement!
2.) Promote Kanye 2020:
Kanye West announced that he’ll be running for president in 2020, and what better time to promote his candidacy than during something totally unrelated? Bring your Kanye 2020 signs and pass out stickers of Kanye’s face. Take the pastor’s megaphone and say, “Yo, pastor, I’mma let you finish, but the Westboro Baptist Church is the most vulgar traveling evangelist group of all time!”
1.) Twerk on them:
The ultimate weapon against religious bigotry: Twerking. That’s right. Get up close and personal with the pastor and twerk your little heart out. Twerk like there’s no tomorrow. Twerk like it’s your job. Twerk like you’re twerking on an ultra-conservative Christian evangelist who thinks you’re going to hell anyway.