Anyone who’s ever their meal plans ripped away from them once they leave the dorms know what it’s like to eat Ramen four days in a row and to crave that endless supply of chicken nuggets and pizza. Another week without that Shively Hard Rock Potato Soup is like another week in hell. Luckily, there are plenty of simple ways to get back to the good times and get into the dining halls (note: most of them are sex). These seven quick ‘n’ dirty ways to get free dining hall food that will have you eating those Nelson waffles whenever you want:
7.) Have Sex With a Freshman:
This option is probably the easiest way to ensure you get free dining hall food, possibly for the whole year if you’re dedicated enough. Just remember to wear a condom and make sure she’s got the flex before you have the sex. It’s also a good idea to make sure that he or she is 18 first, but there’s no such thing as statutory Boyd dates.
6.) Have Sex With a Cook:
Not only does this mean free food, but fresh food. Now that you’re banging a dining hall cook, not only do you have a new dining hall daddy, you have someone who knows how to make those Nelson omelettes in the morning. Not to mention they might wear that sexy white paper hat in bed. Bon Appétit, my friends.
5.) Have Sex With a Swipe-In Person:
This one’s very convenient. You can walk right into the dining hall with a simple fake swipedy-swipe from your new sex pal. A swipe right into the dining hall is just a swipe right on Tinder away. Don’t want to sneak in the back door of Nelson? Let this person sneak into yours.
4.) Have Sex With the Dean:
For all you risk-takers out there, doing the dirty deed with the Dean may get you in some deep trouble, but it could also guarantee you free grub for a while. If you take this route, do your best in bed, but try to keep it classy. None of your weird dirty sex tricks with the Dean, okay?
3.) Have Sex With a Food Delivery Person:
The food delivery person can get you into the dining hall in style. Slip into the food delivery guy and they’ll slip you into Shively in a crate. This option is best if you’re flexible (wink) and if you’re into trucks.
2.) Have Sex With an Experienced Criminal:
A nice criminal won’t be afraid to steal you all the dining hall food your heart desires. They know all the tricks and can easily get you those Nelson tater tots you’ve been craving. Maybe even that expensive watch and those cute new Nikes. The only downside is that you’ll be having sex with a criminal. Could be kinda hot though.
1.) Purchase an Off-Campus Meal Plan:
An off-campus meal plan is a great way for anyone living off campus to get dining hall swipes. There’s multiple options based on your budget and your needs. You can buy them online through the university, but you won’t get to bang anyone, so.
We’ve also done unspeakable things to get this podcast on the Internet…