You, a sibling of an Ohio University student, visited Athens for the very first time this past weekend. As your first exposure to college, you learned a thing or two about your sib. Actually, you learned exactly eight things about your sib. Here are the things every little visitor learned this sibs weekend at Ohio University.
8.) He lives in squalor:
He hasn’t cleaned his bathroom since he moved in, and his entire counter is covered with dishes. You know for a fact that he doesn’t own a vacuum and isn’t interested in purchasing one. You’re sleeping on the couch without a sheet and honestly…you’re concerned for your own safety.
7.) She has no idea what to do if she’s not drinking:
Her hands have been shaking all weekend, and for some reason you’re hanging out in the university gym? She’s been trying to google things to do all day. You saw the bottles that wrapped around the top of her kitchen cabinets, and you know this is NOT what she does on a typical weekend. “Do you want to… uhh…watch a movie?” they ask. You say yes, and you pity your poor alcoholic sib.
6.) He has let himself go:
Your brother was captain of the basketball team back in high school. He had a great girlfriend, great abs and great friends. Now he spends all his time with dudes named “Smash” and “Tony” and frankly, he’s getting fat. Broney’s much? He’s replaced all his polos for discount basketball jerseys. He seems happy, but you just can’t tell why he would be.
5.) She says things you don’t understand:
Dope, lit, fam… You’re concerned about her loss of proper grammar — wasn’t college supposed to make her smarter? She’s said four times about how much she is thriving, but her chipped nail polish and four unpaid parking tickets are telling you otherwise.
4.) His grades cannot be good:
You keep hearing about things that have happened at the bar this past week. “Bro, was that Tuesday or Wednesday?” he says. “Ha-ha, you were wasted on Thursday,” they respond. When is he studying? Is he going to his classes? He says he watched the full new season of Stranger Things twice already, and he hasn’t mentioned school once. Is he even taking classes this semester?
3.) He’s eating ketchup… and beer:
You took a look in his fridge for a snack. He said he thinks there might be some cheese sticks in there. But all you see is ketchup, barbecue sauce, maybe one moldy vegetable, and a sea of Natty Light. You had pizza last night, and it’s 10:30 in the morning and he’s already considering ordering wings. You consider his blood pressure and say a silent prayer for him.
2.) She might be a bit of a slut:
You’ve heard about Jeff… and Mike and Joe and Samuel. But at least she swears that she is so done with Ian. Who are all these men? You’ve met a couple of these suitors and you remain unimpressed. One of them already joked about how you might be even hotter than your sister. I’m 14 years old, jackass!
1.) He likes it here… and so do you:
You’re learning a lot about college, and clearly there are no rules. His friends are nice and he seems happy, and that makes you happy. Plus you had your first ever chicken and waffle sandwich, and you’re pretty impressed. You’ve seen some things that can’t be unseen, but you’ll definitely be back next year.
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