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Everyone in Athens Too Hungover to Notice Union Street Explosion

An explosion in a West Union Street apartment late Saturday afternoon left one man injured and a wall damaged, but aside from the injured man and the emergency personnel who arrived on the scene, everyone in Athens was too hungover from Palmer Fest to notice or care.

Peter Ambrose, a junior living in a house just two houses away from where the explosion took place, said he wasn’t aware there had even been an explosion until he was 10 minutes into his first interview with a reporter.

“I’m gonna be honest, man – I drank for 14 hours straight on Saturday, and my head hurt so bad all day Sunday that I felt like my brain was the only thing exploding,” Ambrose said. “A loud noise did wake me up, but all it made me think of was that I wanted more Pedialyte.”

Emergency services were only contacted when a car full of sober Bobcats drove past the site of the incident. Seeing that something had happened, freshman Debbie McClain, who was in the car’s passenger seat at the time, dialed 911.

“I could see part of the wall continuing to collapse,” McClain said. “When we saw something moving and it wasn’t a dead-looking person with greasy hair and sweatpants walking toward USD, we knew something had to be wrong.”

Athens Police Department Officer Ken Glass said that although he was glad the incident was called in in time to avoid further damage or injury, he was annoyed that it had to happen the day after Palmer Fest.

“I get it. Sometimes stuff explodes, and you can’t help it,” Glass said. “But I spent all of yesterday riding my horse, Lieutenant Sprinkles, up and down Palmer, and this explosion really ruined my plans of sitting in a bucket of ice all day.”

Sources said they could not confirm or deny any theories on what caused the explosion, but that foul play has largely been ruled out, as virtually every person seen within a five-mile radius of the incident was confirmed to have been either napping or eating an entire family-sized bag of Cheetos on their respective couches.

 

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