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Dads Feel Safe Leaving Daughters to New OU Daddies

As the new school year begins to ring in at Ohio University, students are flooding the campus, streets and bars. Families have left their children to pave out a bright, booze-filled future at OU this fall. However, leaving a freshman to live on their own can be a trying time for parents. With the help of RAs, professors and Daddies, families immediately feel confident in their student’s choice of higher education in Athens.

These Daddies are students at the university who live in unkempt party homes on Mill, Palmer and High streets. Each year these chivalrous gentlemen take it upon themselves to host and raise a plethora of helpful banners, giving assurance to the fathers of freshmen women that their daughters are going to be well taken care of here at OU.

A new poll conducted by The Black Sheep found that 69% of parents feel extraordinarily comfortable and secure leaving their daughters at Ohio University. And it’s all thanks to those banners that read “Double D’s Daughter Daycare,” “You’re Not The Only One She Calls Daddy” and “Dads Drop Your Daughters Here.” These banners, which acknowledge and seek to continue the sacred bond between father and daughter, are setting high expectations for the treatment of young women on the campus. The beaming fathers leave their female student daughters into welcoming arms. As for the Daddies? They’re primarily wealthy, white fraternity brothers who host parties with Natural Light and Adderall, insisting the drug to be “totally prescribed, for studying.”

“I feel really thankful for these surrogate fathers,” a tearful dad remarked. “I just know that my little girl will be well taken care of by these upstanding young men. It just fills my heart. Courtney, make your new daddy proud!”

One mother felt confident in her daughter’s oral health after reading a banner hung from a balcony on Stewart Street that read “You Taught Her Morals? We’ll Teach Her Oral.” One can obviously assume this house is littered with extra toothbrushes and mouthwash.

“I’m just so glad that Becky will be brushing and flossing twice a day!” she exclaimed.

Lifelong equestrian enthusiasts, in particular, feel thrilled upon reading signs penned “We Can Teach Her To Ride.” These young women hope to finally get that pony they’ve wished for every Christmas for the last 18 years. Suitable stables seem nowhere to be found on these off-campus residencies, however the Wrangler jeans and Walmart cowboy hat combos seem to fit the bill.

The giant, black spray-painted signs give direct indication of where families can find these new Daddies. Displayed along streets such as Mill and High throughout the last week, the banners welcome all freshman to approach their homes and seek care indoors. During Welcome Weekend, the two streets are among the most bustling freshmen tourist attractions in Athens.

Eager young Bobkittens glance at the helpful signs with wide eyes filled with wonder, pondering what the new Daddies will do with them during their tenure at OU.

“I wonder if they will take me to baseball games and buy me big ol’ ice cream cones!” one young woman shouted gleefully.

Some of the frat brothers had even bigger plans in mind, enrolling themselves and these new female students into father/daughter dance lessons. One young man has taken the next step — filing adoption papers and putting money away for his little girl’s college fund.

“Sometimes that extra drink at the bar just isn’t necessary. You know, I’ve gotta make the sacrifices where I can,” he said. “It’s all for my baby.”

Young women often find themselves trembling and scared during the beginning of the new school year, searching for guiding figures and confidants. Thanks to the new Daddies on campus, we can all feel a little safer.

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