It’s inevitable that one of these darling young gentlemen will cross your path. Whether you’re partying uptown or checking out the scene on down the street, there’s no shortage of guys on Court Street that fit at least one of these profiles:
8.) Chad smells bad:
Chad spends the whole night party-hopping his way along Mill Street. He wears that nasty ass “TuneSquad” basketball jersey to every house party, and ladies, he hasn’t even bothered to wash the beer stains out of it. He’s given up on personal hygiene and covers up his funk with too much AXE, praying that he can blame his rank stench on the sweaty guys all around him.
7.) Blake the lightweight:
Now, Blake claims he’s more than capable of holding his liquor, and yet he’s the artist that decorates Court Street in multicolored splatters. He was the freshman that was way too excited the first time he strolled into The Shack and made his very first illegal purchase. And he’ll never admit it, but he still quakes even now as Mike rings up his Four Lokos for the hundredth time.
6.) Hunter hates his life:
That surly expression, those thick eyebrows, that ratty zip-up hoodie—he’s got it all, but he just doesn’t appreciate what he has. Hunter rants about the American government whether he’s sober or not, and he will fight anyone with a dissenting opinion. He lost a bet once and had to pour hot candle wax on his legs. The hair hasn’t grown back quite the same way. He’s the guy that drinks to forget that he’s drinking to forget.
5.) Garrett, Gavin, and Travis:
The Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the Three Musketeers, the Three Amigos…these jokers won’t do anything unless it comes out in even threes. Three bars in one night. Three shots of Fireball to acquire the liquid courage needed to get rejected by three girls in a row. Luckily, not one of them is packing only three inches, but they all add up to a number that is divisible by three (12, if you really want to know).
4.) Shotgun Sean:
Sean smacks an ice-cold can of Natty Light against his skull, rattling what little brains he’s got left, and nearly chokes as he guzzles what little beer didn’t spill out all over his Vineyard Vines tee. He guffaws in a very buffoonish manner as he crushes the empty can against his pounding head. The poor guy has cut himself on the sharp metal many, many times, so many times that you even feel sorry for him.
3.) Winston the diehard Republican:
The glaring red of his “Make America Great Again” hat makes him practically glow in the dark, and he wasn’t even alive during the Reagan/Bush era, but he proudly supports his favorite old white men by wearing their campaign on his back. He forced every single one of his friends to vote in the last election, threatening their lives and the lives of their families if they even dared choose Hillary. He tried and failed to convince his political science professor that he was Mitt Romney’s son.
2.) Sports fan Sam:
He shows up to Bird Arena for Bobcats hockey when he’s already trashed. His friends are still laughing at how he tripped all the way down the escalator in Baker just moments ago. He tries to stand up and cheer, but sways in the stands, and he tries to pick many fights with the Bird Arena T-Rex. Sam has to be restrained by a few student workers as he runs up the stairs to the announcer’s box to beg for some air time.
1.) Insomniac Jack:
Somehow, Jack keeps himself up and running from 8 p.m. to at least 4 a.m. before he crashes hard. Rumor has it he spikes his Monster with Svedka so he can stay awake. He definitely makes the most of his time; at his best, he gets three different girls in a matter of hours to believe he’s actually not too disgusting to hook up with. Either he’s got talent, or he just goes for the most oblivious females he can find.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: