Immediately following last week’s “Rockettes controversy,” the male Ohio University College Republicans (OUCR) have vowed to shake their asses at Donald Trump’s inauguration on Jan. 20 in Washington D.C. The women allegedly removed themselves from the lineup due to Trump’s sexual assault allegations and his vulgar language.
The Rockettes, who broke the heartbreaking news that they wouldn’t be performing their quadrennial presidential inaugural performance, were quickly replaced by the college-aged Ohio men. The women, according to the republicans, are acting like sensitive, special little snowflakes who need to “toughen up.”
People are shouting their thanks from the Court Street rooftops, praising the OU republicans for stepping up to pick up the weak, liberal slack. President-elect Donald Trump has issued a statement, telling the men that they are winners and that the women are simply overrated and “sad.”
The women are a team of high skilled dancers who train their entire lives to perform on some of America’s biggest stages. The guys are defined by their Natural Light-filled bellies and avid representation of the Vineyard Vines clothing line. While the women jump and twirl with precision, the guys chug and hurl their cheap drinks from the uptown bars.
“It’s just doing what we were built to do,” Joey Polsner, a junior studying business, told The Black Sheep. “We have to man up and do the jobs those women are unfit to complete. They’re women, after all, they’re moody and unpredictable, especially when blood is coming out of their ‘wherevers.’”
The men are being offered a paid college tuition after their “service” is completed, according to the Trump administration. The men said they are completely eager to fulfill their life’s work and be sufficiently compensated for their bravery.
“I’m ready to honor my country with my selfless act of performing at Trump’s inauguration. I feel I’m really fulfilling my civic duty and serving America well,” Chad Smith, a senior OUCR, said.
The elephant-toting fellas are following rigid preparation for the coming days to show true Republican excellence at The White House. They’ve enlisted a token black friend to teach them how to dance and bring a level of “coolness” back into The White House that only a person of color could achieve. Trump said he was excited to have white men performing the cultural practices of “the blacks” because they will ultimately make it “better.”
“It was really difficult to find a black guy who wanted to talk to us, but we just started watching them dance at the bars and picked up some pretty slick moves,” Ben Bailey told The Black Sheep.
Tune in to Donald Trump’s inauguration to support your fellow Bobcats shaking what their conservative daddies gave them on January 20th and be ready to Make America Great Again!