OU Opens Meth Lab, One-Upping Hocking College’s Cannabis Pledge

author-pic at Ohio University  

Hocking College recently announced that if it receives approval from the state government, it will begin testing medical cannabis before it goes to dispensaries. Not to be outdone by their smaller counterpart down the road, OU officials have just disclosed that beginning as soon as possible, the Athens campus will open its first meth lab, the country’s first university-run meth lab.

“We’re really breaking bad–I mean, ground, here,” President Duane Nellis said. “This endeavor can only serve to benefit the university and the Athens community. It will create several new, full-time jobs, stimulating the local economy. It’s a win-win situation, as I see it.”

The lab will reportedly be housed in a rusty RV next to Clippinger, a location that university officials determined was deserving of such a blemish. As soon as the vehicle arrives in its new home, local law enforcement officials plan to arrest everyone involved as soon as possible. 

“Obviously this isn’t legal,” Athens Police Chief Tom Pyle said. “I’m not really sure why everyone keeps talking about it when we’ve clearly told them that a meth lab cannot be operated by scientific researchers. Meth should be made the way it always has been: by untrained, uneducated Americans in their rugged American bathtubs and basements.”

Undeterred by eventual legal repercussions, institutions of higher education across the state have been inspired by OU’s foray into drug research. Kent State’s crack den is scheduled to open in fall 2018, and Ohio State is rumored to be planning something called “the heroin experience.” 

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