OU Student Protests Final Papers in Order to “Save the Trees”

author-pic at Ohio University  

Finals week creates monsters out of OU students. The college folks historically spend too much energy at Alden, too much money on caffeine at Front Room or the local coffee shops and too much time procrastinating with Netflix. Bobcats-turned-zombies stagger down Court Street, seldom making eye contact with passersby except to shed an occasional shared tear.

But for one particular OU student, the week leading up to finals has been the most relaxing she’s ever experienced – because she’s decided to protest against her final paper submissions.

Her reasoning? She said she wants to save the trees.

That’s right, Junior Haily Moss, a student who embraces the natural body hair movement, has decided to abstain from partaking in her final paper writing process.

“I just really have no interest in completing my final paper in the hierarchical academic process. Plus, it goes against my core beliefs,” Moss told The Black Sheep.

Moss was raised in an eco-sustainable, vegan, gluten free, non-GMO, anti-vaccination, upper middle class white household. Her parents, she said proudly, never seemed to make it out of the 70s.

Despite being told time and time again that the trees designated for paper are designed and farmed specifically for paper usage, Moss refuses to concede her effort to save the trees.

“I really just don’t want to see our beautiful College Green and surrounding parks go bare because our professors are requiring us to type and print 10 page papers at the end of the semester! It’s completely unfair to our Mother Earth. We need to conserve and ration,” Moss said.

Moss is known around campus for setting up a tent community and burning sage on College Green each evening to honor the “dead tree spirits.” During the day, she twirls around, sprinkling patchouli oil on students who are just trying to get to class on time.

“I want them to use their olfactory memory, it’s holistic and elicits an emotional response!” she exclaimed, running down the brick pathway to another unsuspecting Bobcat.

Her protest efforts are gaining “seedlings,” as Moss has coined her followers. Several students are joining Moss in her attempt to abolish traditional academic course values, such as following syllabi, earning grades and passing semesters based on the competency of work completed throughout the course objectives.

The Black Sheep asked Moss whether this was just a ploy to further deride her procrastination efforts, or if she truly felt passionate about the wellbeing of the trees. Her original statement stood.

Upon pressing her a little harder, and getting her stoned out of her mind, she told us she was just too lazy to do the work, and proceeded to skip down Court Street and into a bar.

Ever wonder why your b-hole stings after a night of boozing? Here’s your definitive guide to D.A.D.S.