Ohio University is the best university in the world, the very best. We have a beautiful campus, wonderful facilities and some of the finest men and women in the world. So why are we letting in transfers from shithole universities? All they do is come here, use our library and our dining halls, and live off our scholarships. Why aren’t we letting in more transfers from places like Harvard? Here are the seven universities we should absolutely ban from coming to OU.
7.) Oklahoma University:
Everyone knows that the Oklahoma “OU” is fake news. We shouldn’t take in these lying, thieving OUers. What even is a Boomer Sooner? If we let in the people that stole our name, what will they steal next? Our buildings? Rufus? The land of the Bobcats doesn’t need this.
6.) Kent State:
We’ve heard from a very smart, very reputable source that these people can’t read and can’t write. It’s very sad, but they shouldn’t be coming here. Our great university has no place for the illiterate.
That university is yuge. Absolutely yuge. They have plenty of room for their own students, why would they transfer here? We’re overpopulated as it is. What we need to do is build a wall in the middle of Route 33 so they can’t come here. And we’ll make them pay for it!
4.) Northeast Clown Institution:
We certainly shouldn’t be letting in clowns. We have enough clowns at Ohio University, and if we let them keep coming here there will simply be too much tight rope walking and juggling for us to handle. Their crazy hair and red noses will distract our students from their educations.
3.) Hocking College:
OU has enough glass blowing hipsters as it is. There’s not enough trees for the sheer amount of hammocks they would bring to our campus. We already see too many hammocks on College Green. They will start stacking them on top of each other and playing their harmonicas together. We feel very strongly not having them here.
2.) Bowling Green State University:
STDs aren’t welcome in our clean and wholesome college, and everyone knows Bowling Green has more STDs per square foot than any other university in the world. They will bring in their dirty, dirty privates and raging hormones and spread their diseases to our students. This isn’t an orgy–it’s an educational institution. No thank you, BGSU, land of crabs and clap!
We all know why we absolutely shouldn’t let them in, we shouldn’t even let them visit. Those people wear polos and drink Yuengling. They will all major in communications and flock to J Bar every night. Our frats will fill with boys even more fratty than our frattiest frat boys. We will not stand for this. J Crew stores and Starbucks will start popping up on Court Street, and we won’t feel comfortable wearing our sweatpants to class anymore. No more!
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