If there’s one thing you’ve learned here at OU, it’s that you can’t trust anyone—not even your professors. Occasionally, you may begin to suspect that your professor is possessed by the great demon Belphegor, one of the seven princes of Hell, and it’s really putting a damper on your semester. We’ve been there, and we know that it’s always best to acknowledge the warning signs before you take your final exams. During finals, watch for these six signs that your professor is possessed by a merciless and grotesque hell-being. Good luck!
6.) He does a full lecture on the very first day of class:
This is one of the earliest warning signs of demonic possession in a college professor. We’re not saying that all professors who do this are acting as vessels for a cruel creature from underground, but it’s a good rule-of-thumb.
5.) The class points add up to 666:
If your syllabus shows that your term paper, midterm exam, final exam and group presentation points all add up to the chilling figure of 666, then you likely have a demonic professor. We know it’s scary, but if you play your cards right and get a perfect 666/666 in the class, Belphegor will reward you in countless orgies and the knowledge of how to say “Fuck!” in 12 different languages.
4.) He looks suspiciously like this:
Bearded, balding, ungroomed fingernails and terrible posture… sound familiar?
3.) He says “fucking hell” but also, “Oh gosh, darn it”:
Have you noticed frequent inconsistencies in curse words from your professor? Does he curse like a sailor, but refuse to damn God to Hell? It may be because his tongue would physically burst into flames if he even tried to speak the words. Maybe cut him some slack and stop judging?
2.) His email signature looks something like this:
Aaron Blake, Ph.D
Ohio University College of Business
Prince of Hell
At first it looks pretty typical of any OU professor’s signature, but look closer. Notice he lists “Prince of Hell” as one of his titles. Maybe it means nothing, or maybe it means he is a human embodiment of the demon prince Belphegor, whose natural form would melt a feeble human’s brain in one glance.
1.) He cowers in the presence of holy water:
If you’ve gotten through this list, checking off all the boxes of potential demonic possession, then you likely have a real problem. But the only way to know for sure if your professor is locked powerless inside his own brain while the great and terrible Belphegor takes the wheel, is to splash him with a bucket of holy water. If he reacts in curses, anger, disbelief or the like, then he is definitely a demon.
We hope this list serves the OU community as a helpful guide in detecting one of the worst demon possessions that could strike your professor this semester. Stay strong, keep a level head, and think carefully: would you rather take a class run by Belphegor, or exorcise the demon and free your true professor? It may be a harder choice than you’d expect.
Listen up, hell folk.