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Today Show Scouting Scripps for Someone Who’s Not Matt Lauer

Following the abrupt firing of its lead host, Matt Lauer, the Today show has begun accepting applicants from the Scripps School of Communication for its lead anchor position. 

Lauer, an OU graduate, was fired for “inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace,” the network said on Wednesday morning. 

The Today show is encouraging all journalism students from Scripps to apply, but preferably brunette males, adding that males that are in are loving, exclusive, and strictly monogamous relationships are preferred.

“In fact, if a confident, tall, attractive Scripps kid could get here like, now, that would be wonderful,” said Bethany Harold, a spokesperson for Today. “And, honestly, if we could find someone that isn’t interested in sex or women at all, that would be ideal.” 

The anchor for Today for 20 years, Lauer graduated from OU in 1997 at age 39 after previously dropping out of Ohio University in 1979, which, “in a way, really doesn’t even make him a real Bobcat,” said the local Society for Amateur Journalists OU Chapter in a statement.

“Actually, Lauer coming back to college in his late thirties to finally graduate around a bunch of young twentysomethings just kind of goes to show that he’s a pretty creepy guy,” the organization said. “We should’ve seen this coming.” 
 
Robert Stewart, director of the E.W. Scripps School of Journalism, said the Today Show vacancy is a great opportunity for OU students. 
 
“If someone doesn’t get on Today and start representing OU in a positive light right now, so help me God, I will shut this whole program down,” Stewart said.
 
When told that the search for a brown-haired asexual male in the Scripps school might be difficult, Harold suggested that maybe someone with beautiful long hair and no penis at all would be best.
 
“A guy, like, that could really respect a woman, you know?” Harold said. “I’m describing a woman, aren’t I?” 
 
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