A Guide to Surviving Bedlam On Sooner Streets

author-pic at Oklahoma State  

Bedlam in the land of the Sooners is less than ideal, and with this Saturday’s game we’re presented new challenges. It’s the only time it’s ever acceptable to wear a Cowboy jersey in Norman without absolute certainty you’ll be stabbed by a diehard fan (certainly neither student nor alumnus). That’s why we’ve constructed a guide to keep it right, keep it tight, and keep it real at Bedlam in Norman this Saturday.

The tailgate is where every great game begins, and Bedlam is no different. Suiting up and stocking up on booze is the key to tailgating, which primarily takes place in parking lots. It would be unjust– unholy, in fact– to be without a pair of cowboy boots on a day where being a Cowboy means more than any other. For the love of Pete, withhold from loafers and boat shoes for one day and embody the spirit of not only our mascot, but our way of life.

Not only are boots the shoe of the people, but they also double as a keep-safes for liquor bottles most convenient to the casual alcoholic and Cowboy alike. Stuff these bad boys with some University Liquor-purchased pocket shots, flasks, 375s, or whatever else kids are drinking these days to have easy access to liquid spirit from tailgate to Gaylord.

Among the sea of crimson blotted with orange, there is sure to be an array of assholes ready to puke up unkind words to our Cowboy comrades. It should be rather easy to bob-and-weave the vast majority of drunkenly slurred shit-talk, but chances are ever in your favor to run into a dad-bod equipped, stone-wall of frat boy and company giving their best impersonation of Gandalf. Walk confrontationally close towards them, bust out a “Go Pokes!” complete with hand gestures held high without so much as a blink, and continue the intended path, Pokes hands held high.

Inside the Gaylord you can expect an overwhelming aura of tension among the mix-n-matched sea of orange and maroon. Wherever your seat, a contemptible slew of shit-talk and annoying one-ups will be flying, and you have a couple options as to how to proceed. Either sit and try to enjoy the game as much as possible over the childish back-and-forth, or instigate and propel the feud into something entertaining. A well placed, “Baker Mayfield chugs dick!” is all it takes to send the catty couple into a flurry of fists, and prime halftime entertainment.

Slip out of the game after OSU has secured a lead worthy of certain victory to score your own personal victory over the Sooners. Maybe make a lasting impression on their lawn by use of grain alcohol in your boot and a lighter? Imagine, “OSU > OU. Have respect, boners.” burnt black in the heart of campus, spiting Sooners for weeks to come… Or until their poor lawn guy has to re-sod.

It’s only once a year the Oklahoman rivals duke it out on the football field for bragging rights and glory. With the game held in Norman it’s an inconvenience for us Cowboys, but a true shame for Sooners without the ability to retreat and lick their wounds after defeat.

You went drinking, now you’re stuck pooping. How’s that going for ya?