Crime! Do we have your attention? We hope so. Recently, the sweet, quiet town of Stillwater, USA has faced a rapid deterioration into filth and squalor at the hand of petty crimes. The Stillwater Police AND OSU Police have been told to treat petty criminals with the same respect as drunken drivers and car thieves… It’s that bad. The Black Sheep have swiped a crime map, so that, you, our readers, can maintain a healthy distance from prime crime areas.
1.) February 10th:
At approximately 1:20 p.m., despite sprinting across campus, perpetrator Brian Lindenberg found himself in the long line of the Student Union Chick-fil-A. His psychology class was at 2 p.m., and Brian was afraid he wouldn’t have enough time to stand around in line and eat before class. So, Brian skipped the line, snatched up one of the bags on the counter, and rushed to class.
2.) February 11th:
At about 11 a.m., Becca Swan went to put a few articles of clothing she needed for a presentation in the community dryer on her floor of Kerr. But, she noticed that the dryers were already full of dry clothes. Seeing a cookie monster shirt she knew belonged to a rather rude Emma Center who lived a couple doors down the hall, Becca took Emma’s clothes and left them on a pile on the ground to make room for her own. Emma’s clean clothes sustained minor lint damage.
3.) February 12th:
Sara and Carol discussed needing to pick out a book from Edmon Low for their class. They heard there was only one copy left, so the two decided to share it. After agreeing, Carol noticed Sara flirting with a guy in class that she totally had a crush on. Carol, in a blind hysterical rage, went to the library and checked out the last copy of the book for herself.
4.) February 13th:
Leslie Bustamante, Stacie Agnew, and friends had collectively planned a “single’s dinner” for 4:15 p.m. at the romantic on-campus dining experience, Which Wich. Stacie decided to invite Brent Lopez, despite the fact that he and Leslie, her friend, had texted romantically six months prior. Although Brent didn’t show up, Stacie and Leslie began arguing. It was soon revealed that Stacie was just salty because Leslie didn’t share a copy of her homework a few weeks before.
5.) February 14th:
Terror struck at Delta Beta Chi Lambda or whatever the other day when Tim Braxton was woken by the screams of his frat brother, Felix Boyfrat, who had stumbled across a triggering #mcm Instagram pic. The picture in question was of Stella Sororatio, Tim’s ex, and a new guy from Alpha Omega Nu, their rival frat. The house was shaken to its core.
6.) February 17th:
Tara Delaney had recently changed her major and believed her friends were being relatively unsupportive, as this was her 7th major switch… Tara decided that, in retaliation of her friends’ actions, she would sit on the other side of their class. Diabolical.
7.) February 18th:
Two roommates, Tim Boyd and Eric Nolte got into a disagreement over who the trashcan sitting in the middle of the room belonged to. After Nick moved the trashcan more to his side, he caught Tim throwing trash on to his side of the room. Disappointing.
8.) February 20th:
Sophomore Trent Adams didn’t hold the door open for senior Emily Richter. She glared at him all of class and saw him later as he was close behind her leaving the NRC. She tried to shut the door before he got to it, only to realize they were automatic, and proceeding to scurry off. Gut-wrenching.
The petty crime wave is only increasing, and it is up to us as a university, and as a community, to stop it before the pettiness gets further out of hand. Otherwise, what is to separate us from the degenerates at OU?
WATCH: Being in Business School is actually really really hard you guys.