The Department of Justice has charged two Russian spies for their role in hacking over 500 million Yahoo! accounts in 2014. This news, which comes at a time of increasing suspicion of Russia’s role in US affairs, has left millennials with one surprising realization — Yahoo! actually still exists.
“Are you telling me people still use that website?” asked 19-year-old Starbucks barista Caroline Baxter. “I thought people stopped using it in the mid-2000s. That is such a throwback.”
“500 million Yahoo! users?” exclaimed Park So-Hyun, a college freshman at Stanford. “Did that many people even vote in the election last year? What’re they doing with their lives?”
Others were less than impressed with the hackers’ choice. “Hacking Yahoo! is like writing blog articles,” graduate student Ravi Chandrasekhar explained. “It’s a waste of time, and nobody really cares that you’re doing it.”
“If I was a hacker, I would go after something like Facebook or Twitter,” Janet Allegro, a twenty-three-year-old medical student, argued. “You know, something that actually matters. Wait, are you going to quote me on that? Can you remove the part about me saying ‘if I was a hacker’?”
Even children decided to weigh in, although their understanding of the matter was slightly off the mark. “I know what a yahoo is!” Ben Allen, an 8-year-old, said proudly. “Thomas showed his yahoo to everyone in class yesterday and got sent home!”
“Yeah, I was a Yahoo! user,” Frederick Grismund, banker and hacking victim, admitted. “I thought it would be the most secure option because no one ever talks about it. But, after I got hacked, I knew I had to find a different website. Which is a shame, because my Yahoo! password was brilliant. It was the numbers one through nine, but backwards! Can you believe they figured that out?”
The fate of the spies is currently undecided, but the fate of Yahoo! is clear — against all odds, it will somehow continue to be a thing.
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