It’s that time of year again; when there’s just as many people in the bar who over 50 as there people pretending to be 23. What many parents quickly find out is that they no longer have the tolerance for large amounts of shitty alcohol like they did in their glory days. Here are some things to look out for if you’re wondering if Karen took one too many sips from her Blackout Bucket:
6.) You mom starts hitting on boys for you (or herself, we’re not sure):
After his eighth beer, your dad tend to congregate into a distant corner while the your mom gets sucked into the dance floor. Right about now is when she starts asking why you’re still single. Before you know it, (Yep! You guessed it) she’s introducing you to a tall southern boy named Chase. After some fairly painful conversation, you realize your mom is much more into him then you are and you leave them to continue making eyes at each other.
5.) Dad buys the whole bar shots:
Whether Mike can afford it or not, this is a power move that he simply cannot pass up. After three hours, money’s not exactly an issue. This doesn’t mean shots for just for you and your friends; this means any random ass person in sight is throwing back some Fireball. Yeah, he probably won’t remember doing this (but he probably won’t regret it either). He played his dad card, and showed everyone a good time.
4.) They beg the DJ at Funky’s to play “Sweet Child O’ Mine”:
If you took your parents to this infamous 80s daiquiri bar, you know it’s tough to get them to leave. At a normal level of drunk, they’ll vibe to the DJ’s playlist while singing at an inappropriate volume, but once they reach belligerent is when they’ll start harassing him to play “Bohemian Rhapsody” even though it’s 100% already queued up. The DJ will hate them, but your Mike and Karen will think they’re bonding.
3.) They ask if you have any cigarettes:
Okay, Mom’s OFFICIALLY fucked up. She’s been lecturing you since you can remember about how bad they are for you, and oh how the tables have turned. You already know Dad secretly smokes them, so that’s not too much of a shocker. Anyway, just give them your JUUL and see how that plays out.
2.) Dad starts screaming at Siri for the closest McDonald’s location:
Your parents don’t know the wonderment that is the taco truck or Chicken on a Stick, so they’re sticking to what they know. McDonald’s provides spectacularly low-quality, low-price drunk food, and that is simply a timeless fact. Unfortunately, fast food doesn’t exactly fit in with the historical, “local-business” vibe of Oxford Square. Take your parents across the street to Fill-Up with Billups for some breakfast food in hopes to pre-cure their hangover.
1.) You completely lose them:
Yep, this really happens. Parents get so hammered that they forget they’re there to see their sweet, innocent angels and run off like children. The roles have truly reversed. Just hope they make it home safe, and they’re not on their way to jail for harassing a horse cop. Text them an emoji, and make sure they’re okay. Your dad won’t reply, but that’s normal for him. If your mom sends back, “njhdbcjhdv gooinuihgt,” then they’re perfectly safe.
Your parents’ drunkenness is something you need to appreciate and thoroughly enjoy. If you have a stick up your ass and your pissed that your dad puked on your Sperry’s, at least you got some free drinks and a Walmart haul.
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