5 Things to Look Forward to Now that You’re an Ole Miss Frat Star

author-pic at University of Mississippi  

Ah, bid day. Wasn’t it the most superficially happy day of the year? Thousands of future frat stars have their dreams made true when bid cards get delivered to their doorsteps. There might be months of pledgeship ahead, but it doesn’t spoil the spirits of these young, bright eyed fratlings. Now that rush week is over here are some things that all of you, the newest Ole Miss frat stars, can expect to enjoy for the rest of your college lives:

5.) Never having to study again:
Congratulations, you’re off the hook. With a fat network of privileged underachievers at your disposal (all of whom have switched majors a dozen times), you have access to test banks beyond your wildest dreams. Forget taking notes, your notes were taken for you five years ago, before you were even a freshman in high school. After four years at the prestigious Jackson Academy, Ole Miss is about to be a cake-walk of sub-3.0-but-not-quite-failing pedigree.

4.) Ladies love you:
For your counterparts, the newly crowned srat queens of the University of Mississippi, you’re the future husbands they always dreamed of. There’s nothing quite as attractive as a Vineyard Vines clad eighteen year old male who reeks of liquor, cigarettes, and has the body shape of a 45 year old man. Most of you certainly fit this profile. Get ready to find love (or at least a one night stand) at one of the many swaps you’ll have throughout the semester.

3.) Fresh frat attire:
This one may have to wait until initiation; after you’ve learned the deepest, juiciest secrets of your organization (which can probably be found on Wikileaks if you look hard enough). Regardless, once you do get the OK to wear letters, you’ll wake up each morning to find a brand new, interchangeable Comfort Colors t-shirt under your pillow from the frat fairy. These shirts commemorate events sure, but wearing them also makes you feel super fucking cool. Frat shirts, of course, go hand in hand with Nike Elite socks and grey New Balance cruisers.

2.) “Who do you know here?”:
This is it. This is what you’ve been waiting to do ever since you first watched “Old Row” and “I’m Shmacked” videos back in grade school. You are now a member of an exclusive organization of individuals, and can hide behind shared “values” as an excuse to be a massive douchebag to everyone within a 100 mile radius. People show up to the party, and you have that right to whisper, “who do you know here?” if they don’t pay dues. It’s a beautiful thing, a right and a responsibility to uphold a noble tradition.

1.) Job opportunities:
When it finally comes time for you to become a functioning member of society and make a living, you have all the resources there to help you out. When you take that mediocre GPA into the workplace for an interview, and are going head-to-head with 4.0 scholars, it is you that has the upper hand. This is because chances are, there’s someone in the organization from your fraternity, so all you gotta do is slip the grip and you leapfrog all those kids who overachieved in college. Life ain’t fair for everyone, and it’s something you absolutely can take advantage of despite four years of missed opportunities and being perpetually hungover.

Enjoy bid day, and enjoy everything that comes with being a fraternity man. Despite our aggressive sarcasm, it’s true, the Greek experience is one that you will never forget.

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