You thought we were gonna rank the frats based on reputation? Hell no, that’d be mean. People get way too butt hurt, you know that. Instead, here’s a much more valuable and very important evaluation based what we assume each of these fraternities’ bathrooms are like:
15.) Chi Psi:
This semi-new fraternity is in a prime spot on campus, but we really have no fucking idea what goes on in there. Since no one’s ever in their ‘Lodge’ to destroy the bathrooms, it’s assumed that it’s still in pristine condition. Give it two years and those bathrooms will be, well, fraternity bathrooms.
14.) Sigma Nu:
Sigma Nu’s bathrooms definitely have crystal chandeliers and employees assigned to each stall to wipe your ass for you. However, feel free to pee in the pool if the bathrooms aren’t up to your standards.
13.) Sigma Alpha Epsilon:
Not sure if this should even make the list anymore, but hopefully someone cleaned the house before it was deserted. If that’s the case, bathrooms should be in decent shape, just don’t bet on any toilet paper.
12.) Phi Delta Theta:
Okay, so maybe the house kind of looks like the pool house of some preppy country club, but we respect the hell out of it. You see this house and your brain immediately goes to, ‘wow I’d really like to take a shit in their bathroom.’ Let us know how that goes.
11.) Delta Psi:
These stereotypically intelligent young men should know how to keep a bathroom clean. But contrary to popular belief, smart people can be messy too. So, that’s a risk you’ll have to take.
10.) Sigma Pi:
Their extremely average looking house leads us to believe they have extremely average bathrooms. If you’ve ever been to a frat house bathroom, you know average is a good thing. Don’t take anything for granted on Fraternity Row.
9.) Phi Kappa Tau:
This house stands alone and looks significantly different than every other house (even after a failed attempt to fit in by painting it all white). Even though it closely resembles a rich white family’s outdated, suburban mansion, we’re still gonna go ahead and assume the bathrooms could be pretty gross.
8.) Pi Kappa Phi:
Pi Kapp couldn’t decide if they wanted a brick exterior, or the traditional white, so they said, ‘fuck it’ and went with stripes of both. We appreciate the creativity, and can only hope this extraordinary design was taken into the bathrooms too. Doesn’t matter if they’re disgusting if they have pretty striped wallpaper, right?
7.) Beta Theta Pi:
Beta’s house looks nice on the outside, but go the day after a party and it’s a completely different story. Somehow, Beta always schemes and books the best rappers, which inevitably brings out a weird crowd. And we’re not really sure why, but weird crowds will always equate to nasty bathrooms.
6.) Alpha Tau Omega:
As one of the only houses with a basement used for partying, it’s only fitting they have a basement bathroom to go with it. We’re willing to bet you’ll walk in, see something you didn’t want to, do your business, and walk out with toilet paper stuck to your shoe.
5.) Phi Kappa Psi:
White paint with big white columns? You guessed it! It’s a frat house. This architecture basically screams drugs, alcohol, and pretty much any else you’d expect from a house that looks this way. What’s included inside is, but is not limited to: Solo cups all over the floor, and some gross toilets, probably. We don’t know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
4.) Sigma Chi:
After a long ass probation, these bathrooms should be spick and span, with minimal puke residue. You know damn well after just one party, this frat house got right back on their bullshit. When people started flocking back to this house, we can only assume these bathrooms quickly did the same, right?
3.) Kappa Sigma:
This house sits high and mighty like it’s better than everyone else’s, but really their floors are just as sticky and the furniture leaves something to be desired. Their weird obsession with hall crawls only leaves us to believe the whole house could be a damn mess, especially the place where people poop.
2.) Kappa Alpha:
Here we go again, decent looking house; lackluster interior. We’ve come to the conclusion that after one of their overcrowded darties, the bathroom conditions would be prettttty bad. If you find a crawfish in the toilet because some frat boy thought that would be absolutely hilarious just hope it’s dead already, or uhhhhhh gird your loins.
1.) Pi Kappa Alpha:
You can smell the Natty Light when you walk by at any given point in the day. Now we don’t like jumping to conclusions, but we’re gonna go ahead and do it anyway. Top ranking as the dirtiest bathrooms, maybe. Who knows, it’s all made up anyway. Congrats to Pike for potentially having the grossest bathrooms in Oxford!
Wow, you just finished reading a whole article on fraternity house bathrooms, do with that what you will. Maybe go buy a toilet brush or something.
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