OXFORD, Miss – A housemother of local fraternity, Lambda Kappa Pi, has stirred up some controversy by claiming to be the actual mother of all 147 members.
It’s unclear what the motivation is for Jennifer Madden, a longtime Oxford resident who has taken on the role of housemother at LKP, to make such an audacious claim. Some believe that she is just trying to fill 147 different voids in her life. Others think she’s in it for the publicity.
“Yeah, it’s getting kind of fucking weird,” said Billy Turner, a sophomore member of the fraternity, “She recently cut the house phone line when I called home to my actual mom. We always thought of her as a sweet woman, but now I think she’s in denial.”
Other members of the chapter have taken even more drastic measures. “My parents want me to move out of the house, even though my lease doesn’t expire until the end of the year,” chapter vice president Matt Campbell said. “They’re worried I’m going to forget about them and adopt the house mom as my new mom. It’s really causing a lot of stress at home.”
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the record for most children ever born from one mother stands at 69. This record would be shattered if the fraternity fiasco were to be true, but unfortunately, it’s not; it’s merely a case of a bat-shit crazy housemother.
University of Mississippi Interfraternity Council officials released a statement yesterday, saying, “We find the situation at Lambda Kappa Pi to be difficult, and quite frankly, extremely disturbing. Why any individual would claim parenthood to 147 entitled drunk bastards is beyond our reasoning. We plan to cooperate with university officials in launching an investigation into the matter, seeing as at this point, there is a legitimate safety concern. This woman is unstable.”
When asked to comment on the situation herself, Madden offered us some cookies she’d just pulled out of the oven and said, “We’ll discuss this in a minute, I have to change out the laundry.”