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The 5 Most F***ed Up Things To Happen At Ole Miss This Year

As students of the greatest school known to man, here at Ole Miss, we don’t have too much to complain about. However, when we do complain, it is absolutely rational, as the travesties that occur here are truly awful. Here are the worst things to ever happen at the greatest place on earth:

5.) Union Closing:

Yeah, in reality, this is a good thing. We’ll come back to Oxford in the fall and have a state-of-the-art facility in the center of campus. But for the time being, the Union being closed for construction kind of fucking blows. Where the hell do we go to get scantrons? What are freshmen supposed to do when they get sick of the Rebel Market? Also, that one path on the side of the building by Starbucks is blocked off, which is a major inconvenience to say the least. The new Union better be absolutely dope, because having no Union now is bullshit.

4.) Hateful Protests:

I’m not here to condemn freedom of speech. It’s a right we all have, and one of the best parts about college is getting to experience different views and beliefs. But when a bunch of middle aged jabronis from East Bumfuck, Mississippi come to campus and call us sinners for getting too faded on the Square, it’s obnoxious. We’re just trying to get to our interchangeable, insignificant lecture in peace. No need to preach hate and guilt us out of going to bottomless mimosas.

3.) 2016 NFL Draft:

The draft was an absolute disaster, and a huge fuck up by our public relations department.  What was supposed to be a night in which we could all bask in the glory of three first round picks turned into a full blown NCAA investigation and a loss of football scholarships. You’d have thought the school would have tried to prepare its players for media questions, but we essentially gave ourselves up. The investigation is ongoing, so there could be more repercussions. However, we can’t hate on our former superstars for booling with gasmasks; if you come to Oxford, you’re signing on for a good time. Let the boys play, it’s the system that’s at fault.

2.) Rooster’s Closing for 1 Month:

Students woke up on Monday morning in a somber mood, with many hanging their flags at half mast in response to the loss our community has suffered. Roosters, a glorious safehaven for developing alcoholics, has been shut down, and won’t reopen until the end of March. No words can describe the heartbreak felt by the greater student body. Four whole weeks of no karaoke, wings, and Rooster’s shots. If this isn’t the worst thing to ever happen at Ole Miss, it’s certainly close. Our condolences go out to all the regulars, withdrawal is hard, and we are praying for you.

1.) Chick-Fil-A Truck:

A quick Google search shows that out-of-state tuition at Ole Miss is just over $22,000 per year, and in-state tuition at a somewhat more reasonable $7,700. With that said, nobody pays this kind of fortune to go to a Chick-Fil-A with no waffle fries. No. Fucking. Waffle. Fries. Why even go to Chick-Fil-A if you can’t get waffle fries? This school is basically robbing us. We really thought it couldn’t get any worse than the Union Chick-Fil-A, which didn’t use peanut oil. Unfortunately, it has. This food truck by Holman is a new low. Students should expect, no, DEMAND a tuition refund. This is 2017, do better Ole Miss.

All in all, the lows are pretty low. But there are so few lows, and so many highs, that it’s hard to complain too much about being an Ole Miss Rebel.


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