5 Resolutions UO Students Knew They Could Never Keep

author-pic at University of Oregon  

January 1, you woke up hungover, greasy, and feeling a strong sense of contempt for the rest of humanity. You stumbled into the bathroom just to throw up the 12 shots of vodka you had the night before. As you hesitantly looked into the mirror, you realized that you couldn’t see much of a difference between yourself and your pool of vomit. In that moment you vowed to yourself that this year you’ll get your shit together, but now that it’s January 10 it’s clear you were totally lying. Here are just a few New Year’s resolutions UO students will make and unfortunately break this year.

5.) Drinking Less:

Everyone swears off the booze at one point or another except for the truly strong, who are often negatively branded as “alcoholics.” Unfortunately, not drinking in college is much harder than it seems. People drink for almost every occasion: passing a test, failing a test, doing their homework, it’s Friday night, it’s Tuesday afternoon, etc. You will eventually have a moment of self-weakness or succumb to peer pressure and find yourself reaching for that bottle once again.

4.) Working Out at All:

The Rec Center will surely be packed full of people trying to burn off the gut they acquired over the holidays. While you may feel truly inspired to get back into shape there’s a good chance you won’t even make it past the first day. You’ll walk into the rec, look around and see the sweaty hordes of people, say, “fuck it,” and tell yourself that the walk there was a pretty solid workout anyways.

 

3.) Eating Healthier:

Once the whole exercise thing doesn’t quite work out you will bargain with yourself and decide to improve your diet. This in turn will be the most enjoyable resolution to break. There’s no greater feeling than standing in front of your fridge watching all the vegetables you bought slowly wither into rotten mush while you eat that donut you bought for dinner.

 

2.) Getting Better Grades:

Ideally you start every term with this goal but there’s a good chance that you might be a little more focused at this point of the year. This resolution usually isn’t broken in one big ‘falling off the wagon’ moment, but rather in baby steps. Every time you sleep through a class or put off a paper you’re slowly sealing your fate. But hey that’s ok, not everyone can graduate with a college degree. After all, the world need janitors too.

 

1.) Having a Positive Attitude:

After you’ve failed at literally everything else you’ve tried to do, you’ll convince yourself that you just need a more positive attitude. In the end you’ll probably snap at something rather insignificant. One day you could be sitting in class and some kid will be breathing weird, and that’s when all the thoughts of sunshine will be replaced with, “how do I make this bastard’s next breath his last?”

In the end nobody really needs to keep New Years resolutions anyways. You don’t need goals or plans, you’ve been aimlessly wandering your way through life for 18+ years now drinking beer and petting dogs and you’re doing just fine.