Like every Oregon student, you spent the past year annoyed by basically everything your roommate, or roommates, did. But in the name of not starting shit and having to continuing living with them for your lease, you didn’t say anything. However, the school year is almost over and you can finally let loose onto your roommates like the gates of Hell. Here’s only a small percentage of all the things you wished you yelled at your roommates this past year.
6.) “Your decorations are tacky and I hate you.”:
Whose statue of a purple octopus is that? Whose painting of a crown crying is that? Whose Halloween decorations are still up? It’s your fucking roommate’s. They’re slowly turning your apartment into a Little Shop of Horrors and there’s nothing you can do about it.
5.) “Stop cleaning all the time, you’re making me look bad.”:
We all have that one roommate whose passion is keeping the apartment clean. And it seems the second you plan to clean up the minor mess you made in the kitchen, they’re already on it with a sponge and bleach. Goddamn let a girl clean up after herself for once Mom, you’re making me feel like a freeloader.
4.) “Don’t put leftovers in the fridge if there are literally only two bites left.”:
Are you really going to eat those last bites of Caspian’s, or is the lamb just going to stink up the fridge until you throw it away a week later? Stop being a pussy and finish your food in one sitting.
3.) “Why can’t you be silent just like, all the time?”:
Seriously, when is your roommate going to take an oath of silence and just stop talking altogether? They probably make a totally reasonable amount of noise at a reasonable time, but you wish even then they would just shut up.
2.) “I’m not your personal stylist.”:
Whenever your roommate has an interview, or is going to Taylor’s, they enlist you as the quasi-authority for what they will wear. They come out in every outfit they own and ask for your advice, but any time you say it’s fine, they go and change it. Why even ask for advice if you’re not going to take it
1.) “Stop looking at me like I’m weird, I’m not weird.”:
It’s not weird to want to walk around in your underwear, or eat three Uly’s tacos in two minutes, or to drink NyQuill straight from the bottle. Sorry I guess I’m too hardcore for you Karen! I pay rent here too, so I’m allowed to be as weird as I want in MY apartment.
There’s still a lot you want to say to your roommate because let’s be honest, living with other dysfunctional 20-year-olds is hard. With that being said, at least you can rely on your roommate for food to steal when you were all out.
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