Students arrived back on campus earlier this week to begin the new quarter , and the winter term blues have already hit. Students have already begun binge drinking and late night sobbing, for Carl Patterson however, this is not the case. Patterson, although a freshman, just became a sophomore in credits.
“Man, I couldn’t believe it when I got my transcript back,” said Patterson. “I must be like the only kid at this school who has ever accomplished this, so I feel it’s my obligation to tell everyone I see about my sophomore standing.”
It’s true; Patterson has indeed told everyone he has come in contact with about his intellectual achievement. He has been spotted bragging in the front row of his J201 class, loudly talking about it in Common Grounds, and handing out copies of his transcripts to students running to their next class. Students’ responses have been mixed.
Second year freshman, Brent McDowell, was impressed with Patterson’s drive and accomplishment, knowing how difficult it is to make sophomore status.
“I don’t know how he did it man, I didn’t even pass my classes last term,” McDowell said. “Maybe he doesn’t drink before his finals? Incredible, simply incredible.”
Freshman McKenna Warren, however, was skeptical when Patterson casually mentioned it to her in line at the Lillis Café.
“I just don’t see why he thinks he is so much better than the rest of us,” said Warren in response. “I mean, what’s next? Does he expect a sculpture of himself on campus to commemorate him? Like, yeah I’m a sophomore too, you don’t see me spelling it out for everyone in my own piss all over the snow.”
When asked what his next move would be, Patterson said he plans to propose a sculpture of himself on campus to remind the students for years to come of his totally achievable achievement.