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UO Sorority Girl Considers Cutting off Limb to Lose Weight for Shasta


As a preemptive measure to Shasta, many sorority girls, including UO junior Melissa Bell, try to lose weight before the event in an attempt to be more “fuckable.” Bell has consider cutting off to her right arm to achieve this goal if other measures prove to be ineffective. 

Bell had a goal of losing 15 pounds before Shasta. Despite going to the Rec. a total of  four times in the past three weeks, Bell was shocked to find she did not lose any weight.

“I’m freaking out, I should have lost at least 11 pounds by now,” Bell stated nervously.

Bell took to Yahoo Answers with the hopes of solving her problem. Although unhelpful in her journey to lose weight ‘naturally,’ the site was what helped her come to the conclusion that sacrificing an arm would be a quick fix.

“Yeah, I think I’m gonna do it,” Bell proclaimed. “You see, your arm is about 6% of your body weight. 6%! That’s what I got on my last econ midterm! My arm’s about eight pounds; it’s not my goal, but hey it’s something.”

Bell seemed unfazed by the severity of her decision, clarifying that it would be worth the loss of a limb and the blood if it meant she “might be able to secure a shot at being pinned before graduation.”

“I don’t use my right arm that much anyway. Besides, I can still win beer pong with just one hand,” Bell clarified.

Bell plans to go to the health center sometime later this week follow up with the disposal of her appendage.

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