With spring quickly approaching and finals creeping around the corner, students are having to choose whether they want to party at a “dager” all day, or study in the Knight Library until they cry. One student, however, has decided that he doesn’t have to choose between school and partying. Howard Slater, undeclared junior, showed up drunk to his class after spending all morning “celebrating” St. Patrick’s Day.
“Yeah, it all started when I went to Taylor’s this morning and started pounding drinks before 10 a.m.,” said Slater, wearing a ‘Kiss Me: I’m Irish’ t-shirt. “I always go all out for St. Paddy’s Day, but this year—OH, THIS YEAR—I’m going to make it the best one yet.”
Slater quickly remembered that the university did not cancel classes on St. Patrick’s Day, and he rushed to his PS 349 class after downing a whole Fuck-It-Bucket himself.
When he arrived, Slater took his seat, and tried his hardest not to appear completely trashed. However, several of Slater’s peers took complete notice of his state.
“When he came into the room, he started pinching people who weren’t wearing green and trying to get girls to kiss him because he’s Irish…,” explained a classmate, Alexis Hamilton. “Like, seriously? What kind of asshole thinks that’s funny, especially in a school setting?”
Slater defended himself by arguing that he had no recollection after entering the classroom, and that he only got as drunk as he did because it was the first St. Patrick’s Day without Harambe.