Just like every other college student, you’ve already complained a hundred times this week about how broke you are, and it’s only the beginning of the week. You’re in luck! Considering the amount of nonsense that occurs each night during the bar life scene, The Black Sheep is proud to present seven ways Penn State bars could make a greater night time experience for the drunkos by hiring people to be in charge of random tasks.
7.) Tell girls about the toilet paper on their shoe:
Because 1 in every 1 women has had toilet paper stuck on her shoe at some point in her life, 1 in every 1 women can’t put into words how thankful she is whenever an angel points it out to her right before she leaves the Champs bathroom. These angels typically have no halo; rather they take the form of black jeans and a black crop top and are back listening to My Hero Zero in an instant, leaving future girls with no check-your-shoe girl help. What if we lived in a society where this type of positive, helpful guidance was non-stop? Minimum wage paid to a person to stand outside of the Champs bathroom and check girls’ shoes for them? Yes please!
6.) Hold and keep track of everyone’s jackets:
What if students could have the best of both worlds in their experience at The Den: to not worry about frostbite outside AND to not have to tie their jacket around their waist? (Especially since doing so prohibits boys from seeing a girl’s best assets). Since Penn State inconsiderately only has two places with coat checks across the entirety of all bars and clubs downtown, an individual with a charismatic touch (or in other words, a pretty face) could knock this job out of the slutty park.
5.) Make rounds around the bar with snacks on a tray:
Drunk food… we bet you never heard of it. According to Urban Dictionary, it’s (noun): “Food one eats when getting the beer munchies.” What if The Phyrst paid someone to walk around the dungeon with small samples of fries? We mean six fries per sample kind-of-small. This not only would cause fewer 21-year-olds to projectile vomit in their green birthday hat but would also make the students realize how hungry they actually are and order an entire batch for themselves.
4.) Pulling attention away from something embarrassing:
It happens more often than not… man down at The Gaff from one too many pitchers. What if it was someone’s job to distract everyone else from the man eating shit? Like, it could be someone’s job to scream “fire” to draw attention away from Gaffeoke contestants tripping off stage. Just don’t forget to tip the guy who saves you from unwanted attention.
3.) Hand warmers for the lines:
Let’s take a deceiving line: Pmans. It always seems short at first glance, until you realize that Pmans is basically the size of Penn State Altoona and other bars downtown are Penn State Main. Since there is no way to shoot another shot of Captain Morgan down your gullet to keep you from hypothermia and you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to keep you warm, it would be pretty damn nice if someone were passing out some hand warmers. One-dollar bills would fly for that.
2.) Carry a bucket for people who can’t hang:
All of the bumpin’ and grindin’ on Indigo’s dance floor causes motion sickness, right? And that’s why college students throw up–always after yelling the phrase, “I promise I’m not THAT drunk.” Whatever the reason for upchucking may be, someone who squeezes through the tunnel of dancing students with a bucket will probably be getting tips from more than just the person doing the puking.
1.) A wingman:
Not everyone is lucky enough to have someone to guide them through the perils of nightlife romance. The low key vibes at Pickles makes it the perfect place to find a lover, but how can you make a move without a person verifying that your decision on who to go after is a wise choice?
If these jobs were actually in place at Penn State, they would not only give you extra cash but once in a lifetime stories that you’ll one day tell your grandchildren to get them to think you were cool.
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