Hey Schreyer, those senior theses are due in less than thirty days, and if you’re anything like us you’re scrambling to cram anything into that Word doc before the deadline. Your PSU degree will say magna cum laude after writing pretty much anything for Schreyer, but how could you have made your thesis and your life not a total garbage pail for your senior year?
7.) Well, you could have started earlier:
Yes, we’re all tired of hearing about “procrastination”, but had you started earlier there’d be potential for you to actually enjoy St. Patrick’s Day this weekend without feeling horribly guilty for drinking away precious writing hours at Phryst.
6.) You could have actually cared about it:
It was up to you to choose your thesis topic all those semesters ago. We’re not saying it’s your fault that interests change over the course of a year, but choosing literally anything other than studying Pokemon Go go behaviors among PSU students would have been better. Literally anything, Kyle.
5.) You could have stressed less:
We’re not judging you for boozing your way through senior year at Mad Mex’s daily happy hour to combat your growing fear of time wasted on your thesis. We did it too. Just stress less. Perhaps meditating on Old Main can save you.
4.) Why didn’t you apply for grants?!:
Hearing you could have gotten some money while researching economic diversification in an oil-based economy really stings. All those hours spent pouring over spreadsheets and detailed independent reports in the basement of Pattee could have been a tad less dreadful knowing there was some money waiting to be spent on “research”.
3.) You could have actually made a plan, that would have been cool:
Okay, made more of a plan would be a better title. “Write something, meet bi-weekly with your advisor, have material to present, and rework” is a plan. “Write something then drink eight beers as a reward” is not a plan, that’s just a pla–.
2.) You could have like, actually met with your advisor:
Are you one of the many who emailed their advisor a few short months ago to receive an email that read “You’re still writing a thesis? LOL YOU’RE A FOOL”. A truly crushing reply, and reminder that that faculty member you chose so long ago was there for you, but alas you weren’t there for him.
1.) Honestly, you could have drank about 1,000 less beers:
We get it. You’ve finally memorized the trivia schedules at every bar in town. Answering challenging questions while drinking with your friends at Dark Horse is not as mentally stimulating as you make it out to be. This is in fact, not helping your paper, it’s only preparing you for Trivial Pursuit games with your parents. But hey, since you’re not going to finish your thesis, at least you’ll have something to pass the time when you move back in with them.
While you were out working on your Zeno’s drink passport or doing literally anything else, your thesis stayed at home stone cold sober with less than 1,500 words to keep it warm. Look how fucked you are now.
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