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7 Things To Do When You’re Sexiled at Penn State

You’re just trying to watch the Penn State Campus Story in bed when you’re pushed to leave. Maybe your roommate casually says someone’s coming over, hoping you take the hint and go.  Or, maybe you’re just outright asked to get out. No matter how your roommate goes about it, there comes a time when you’re better off outside of your dorm than in it. When you’re standing outside the door contemplating your next move, The Black Sheep has you covered with seven solid options in your time of need.

 

7.) Ask the Willard Preacher For Advice:

Typically, The Willard Preacher spouts advice without anyone asking. Imagine his excitement at someone actually wanting to know how to handle the evils of collegiate fornication. Not only can you return to your dorm spiritually reborn, but you can convert your heathen roommate with statements like “You won’t get to heaven on your back,” and “Jesus watched you do that.”

 

6.) Complain at the HUB:

This one is great because when you piss off one person with your whining, there’s always another option! Sit on the High School Musical steps, stand in the salad bar line, maybe even set up a little stand at the aisle tables by Starbucks: it doesn’t matter where you go because there are people everywhere and you can complain to all of them.

 

5.) Search for Someone to Sexile Them With:

If you’re feeling extra angry, maybe revenge is your best option. Wander around campus in search of someone to help you return the favor, preferably when your roommate is hungover and not ready to deal with your vengeful shit. Anyone will do; find someone at Pattee, at a CATA bus stop, or in White Building. 

4.) Get Free Condoms at UHS:

Your promiscuous roommate might need some of your help. Head over to UHS and grab some free condoms. This works best for the passive-aggressive type. Technically, you’re doing something nice, but you can also make comments about how you’re worried the condoms might be too big. 

 

3.) Pray for them at Pasquerilla:

Clearly, your roommate needs the good Lord’s help. Pray for your roommate’s soul, but, most importantly, for your sanity in dealing with them. Even better, bring them back some pamphlets to eradicate their heathen behaviors.

 

2.) Mope at Berkey:

When in doubt, eat your feelings. You might be sad, lonely, and temporarily homeless, but at least you’ll have ice cream to keep you company. A bowl of Death by Chocolate will never kick you out so it can bang some random dude. Your roommate should be more like that.

 

1.) Protest at Allen Street Gates:

You’re not just going to sit idly by as sexiling becomes an epidemic. No, you’re going to advocate for change, picket-sign in hand. Start a petition, find some fellow sexiles and combat this travesty once and for all.

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