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7 Ways to Avoid PSU Plague that UHS Never Told You About

On these unpredictable winter days the only thing we students can depend on is the ever-spreading PSU plague. From colds to flus, the germs of your grubby classmates linger on virtually every surface of University Park’s campus. We’re here to help with the secrets University Health Services (UHS) are keeping from you on how to escape the plague.

7.) Meditate in the law library:
UHS might mention the benefits of meditation for your health, but we doubt they’ll reveal the best place to do so. The Katz building on the North side is a breath of fresh in its self, but mosey among the law students and SIA students into the library and you’ll find bliss. Silent, pristine, and beautiful, the Zen garden that is the law library will keep you safe from all.

6.) Cover up your ankles:
It’s true! Ankle exposure on University Park’s campus has been confirmed to lead to increased sickness. It may be 10 degrees out and you think your hands, feet, and head are warm enough, but don’t forget about your ankles! Had Achilles worn appropriate socks, it would be a completely different story.

5.) Stay out of the HUB:
Not only because it sucks, but because it’s here the plague started with the first sneeze of damnation. Now the tables and never-ending Starbucks line are cesspools of disease and decay. The raw fish from those poke bowls won’t save your sweet immune system from the ravaging germs living in the HUB.

4.) Learn the Alma Mater:
Rumor has it that the plague only affects those who do not show allegiance for the glory of old State. Our Alma Mater has been around since 1901 and yet you still haven’t bothered to learn it. For the sake of your body and your revered institution, learn the damn thing.

3.) Boil:
Boil everything. Heat kills the menacing PSU plague. And we mean everything: your toothbrush, the door knobs to your classrooms (especially the ones in Thomas), your gloves, your notebooks, and if you have a used textbook from SBS, you may as well burn it to be safe.

2.) Eat squirrel poop:
If you already have symptoms of plague, the poo won’t help you. It does sound gross, but, if you are lucky enough to find some squirrel poop and ingest it, you’ll be safe. Have you ever thought about it? Where is all the squirrel poop on Pattee Mall? So many squirrels, so few turds.

1.) Drop out:
No matter how much they may want to, UHS will never urge you to do the safest thing for your bodily health. Abandoning school for the winter season may just be what you need to escape the plague for the next eight months of Central PA winter. 

We doubt any of you dedicated students will quit in your PSU scholarly pursuits for the sake of your wellbeing now that you have our sacred advice, but if you do we support you. Stay healthy Staters!

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