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7 Ways to get Kicked out of Penn State Bars

After this week’s five exams, the odds of having to late-drop a class just tripled. You choose to handle this by embracing the weekend with a shot glass of tequila in each hand. What a better way to abandon responsibility than heading to downtown’s bars? We’re here to show you how to handle life’s stressors in unique ways, all of which involve you getting kicked out of any and every bar here at Penn State.

7.) Find the Stash of Pman’s Ducks and Steal Them:
What’s better than the Primanti’s Drunk Duck drink? The Primanti’s Duck…minus the disgusting blue liquid that should not be generously considered a drink. By the bar, you spot an attractive individual and a clear bag filled with ducks. When you’re drunk, sometimes your klepto desires outweigh your desire for a one-night stand. Escorted out by a bouncer, you don’t give two ducks.

6.) Take off Your Shirt at The Den:
Boys, we realize you’ve been putting in the work at the gym, but we would rather you buy us a shot than show us that your right nipple is bigger than your left.  “It’s just so hot in here,” you say as you whip off your t-shirt and heat yourself up even more by flexing nonstop. With the little dignity that The Den still has intact, the workers toss you out of the bar. Their reputation must stay at least a tiny bit higher than a strip club’s.

5.) Dance on The Champs Pool Table:

Your friend asked if you wanted to get your game on down in Fun Society. Next thing you know, you’re standing on top of Champs’ pool table, waving your cue stick at your friend who went to get a drink, “Getting’ on my gammeeeee!” Maybe it’s a little bit of nostalgia for your prime frat days that makes you feel the need to take advantage of elevated surfaces whenever the opportunity presents itself. At least you made new “friends” tonight, AKA every single bouncer as they escorted you out.

4.) Climb Onstage During a Band’s Performance at The Phyrst:
You may be used to Wednesday nights at The Gaff where any Joe Schmoe can hop on stage, dropping it like it’s hot. Why not do the same at The Phyrst during My Hero Zero? How did the band know that “Can’t Hold Us” by Macklemore is your jam? Is it because they can read your mind, or is it because they play every basic song through all different music genres to hold onto their identity as “a band people like when drunk”? You somehow maneuver three steps past the bouncer guarding the stage before your shirt is being dragged outside.

3.) Green Hats, Period:

Workers at every bar downtown are so accustomed to “those kind of people” who would wear a green Phyrst birthday hat bar to bar. Bouncers and bartenders have constant nightmares of times they had to handle a 21st birthday situation; occasionally talking through these horror flashbacks with Penn State’s free psychiatrist, the Willard Preacher. You walk into Pickles wearing a literal green baseball hat, and the workers analyze your every movement. They end up throwing you out for “swaying back and forth,” when in reality you were just dancing with one drink in you.

2.) Verbal Fights in Line at Indigo:

You’re waiting in line at Indigo, an ok night thus far, until you begin to hear the guy in front of you shit-talking your hometown’s football team. You’re like a dog that sees a bone. You call him out. Before it even gets physical, the workers call security. The question is: can you consider it getting kicked out of a bar if you don’t even make it in?

1.) The Security Alarm at The Gaff:
You go to the corner of the room, back pressed against the wall for a little. You’re at that point in the night where you lean with it, but don’t wanna rock with it. You soon find out there’s a louder sound than that of the tone-deaf guy singing karaoke: The security alarm. Your back wasn’t against the wall… it was against a door. The security alarm door.

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