Top 10: Assholes on the CATA Bus

author-pic at Penn State University  

Until State College builds a sleek, clean monorail system PSU students are stuck taking the CATAbus. And with the CATAbus, come the CATAssholes. Here are the top ten. 

10.) The freshman asshole who takes the bus from East to the Visual arts building:
Why the hell do you do this? We took the bus because we didn’t want to walk from the commuter parking lot to the visual arts building and you can’t even walk one block from your dorm to that area. Unacceptable.
9.) The asshole face timing his mom:
This happens more than you think. And of course headphones are rarely used, so the whole bus gets to hear about how great the family is, how Andrew really needs to get his shit together, or how Uncle Gene is living under a bridge smoking meth again.  

8.) The asshole whose bookbag is either sitting on a seat or in your face:
For crying out loud put your bookbag on your lap. You don’t need to take up a perfectly available seat because you don’t want to hold your backpack — you should know everyone kind of assumes you’re racist, or at least have some kind of fear/hatred for other people. Also, don’t be that asshole who wonders why they got shoved when their bookbag is literally up the nose of the person behind them.

7.) The asshole who leans against you the whole ride like you’re not going to notice:
Lady, we realize that standing on a moving bus is less than ideal but that’s what those weird metal things are for. They’re called poles and they’re used for adding stability to an otherwise unstable situation. Do not use other people as your wall to lean on. We will purposefully fall and take you down with us.

6.) The asshole who won’t move up the stairs in the back, therefore screwing your chances of getting on the bus:
You are an asshole. There is a special seat in hell for people like you. You can’t move a quarter of an inch so others can get to class that they’re probably already late for? You suck.

5.) The asshole(s) who have loud conversations at 8 in the morning:
It’s 8 in the morning. Nobody in their right mind wants to be awake right now, and the entire bus ride is regretting their decision to take such an early class to begin with, not to mention probably still drunk. Don’t make them regret
their decision to take the bus even more because you’re loudly babbling about Katy’s 21st BiRtHdAy PaRtY at Phyrst tonight.

4.) The asshole:
There is such a thin layer of cloth separating the asshole from the rest of the world. It rubs all over the bus seat, making it warm while coughing up poop particles whenever it well pleases. Whenever you sit on the bus, you’re sitting only a few millimeters on top of where another puckering asshole was resting.

3.) The asshole who throws up:
C’mon man/woman. Hold your liquor. Plus, not only is it disgusting that you threw up, but now the whole bus has to stop while the driver calls the police so they can arrest you.

2.) The asshole who won’t get out of your fucking way when you’re trying to get off the bus:
Just move. Be aware of your surroundings. Don’t be the jerk who blocks the back door so nobody can get out just because it’s not your stop. Or, if you’re trying to get on the bus, just wait ‘til everyone gets off. It won’t leave if you’re standing right there, you idiot.

1.) The driver:
9/10 of the Catabus drivers are assholes. They usually blast classical music, or if you’re really unlucky, it’s the guy who plays the religious station. There are some who stop the whole bus because the drunk freshmen are singing loudly, or throwing up, and there are some that blow past a stop even though you’re standing right there waiting. For more details on asshole bus drivers, see @HANK_CATAbus on Twitter.

Want to write dickhead things like this? Apply now!