Something is coming. Not your Pitt friends. Not the start of actual assignments. No, on home football weekends, something quite different is invading Penn State: the old, white alumni.
“I was walking past Old Main when I saw them,” explained sophomore Alex Hart. “All these old people in Penn State sweatshirts were in front of the steps and talking about ‘their day.’ They even forced me to take a picture of them on, like, a flip phone.”
The olds couldn’t be avoided downtown, either. “I got caught behind a herd of them walking under a mile an hour down College Ave,” lamented junior Sarah Foster. “I tried to pass them, but I ended up in the middle of the group while some guy named Fred explained how my laptop is ruining my life.”
The situation was most severe at the Hintz Alumni Center, their headquarters. “I just wanted to play with the ducks in the pond, but I was stuck listening to stories about what Harold used to do in 1960 at Penn State,” explains freshman Julia Williams. “My only salvation was Harold’s friend, some other old dude named George, distracting him with memories of their fraternity days while I escaped.”
There was an upside to the invasion, however. “The tailgate food these old people bring is life-saving,” sophomore Ryan Gibbons told The Black Sheep while chewing. “You just have to pretend you’re not trashed to earn their respect, and then they’ll call you ‘son’ and give you a plate of food.”
After his traumatic experience at Old Main, Alex Hart had some advice for his fellow Penn Staters. “I found they hate when they see you on your phone. If you walk with your head down at your phone, they might mutter ‘kids these days’ under their breath, but they’ll let you pass by unscathed.”