Cheers to the blissful yet nauseating year of draining away your money (and dignity) here in Happy Valley! There’s one bar in particular on campus that you stumble into so often that it’s actually surprising there’s no drink named after you by now. It took an overwhelmingly subpar visionary from The Black Sheep to realize that this bar is gonna be just like you when you have a few kids running around.
The Bar: The Phyrst:
The Parent: Carelessly Nostalgic
A sloppy parenting style will be the norm for your children. A diehard Phyrst fan is the diehard worst fan. You’ll cry for years over not having an excuse to go back until your child turns 21. Until then, you’ll bring out from the living room a cracked glass shadow box holding your hoarded Happy Phyrst Birthday hat, smirking while you place it on your child’s head on every birthday.
The Bar: The Gaff
The Parent: Quirky With A Wild Spirit
You’ll want to be the tent-pitcher on the camping trip with your family just so you can go off on a tangent, “Oh while we are talking about pitchers… let me tell you children about my college best friend. His name is Gaff Pitcher.” The term “pitcher” will be brought up so often, that your child will subconsciously become the baseball pitcher for his middle school team. He’ll know how to move his body to get through all four of the bases, coming much closer to a “home run” than you ever scored in college.
The Bar: Champs:
The Parent: Hip Soul And Reputation Analyzer
“Here we go, Penn State football,” right? Your child will feel naked without a sports logo somewhere on his outfit before send-off to preschool. Society must view him as “cool” as early as possible. Your gravitational pull to sports bars is in part due to your competitive nature, but has more to do with your social ambitions. As a parent to teenagers, you’ll make sure all of the potato chip bowls are full during their hang-time with their friends, just so you can chit-chat with young people for a hot sec.
The Bar: Bill Pickles Taproom:
The Parent: Boring, Yet Knowledgeable
Your internal love for this bar will get you further than just the occasional free drink – it’ll help you pick out the perfect name for you child. You’ll force your child, Bill of course, to read the daily newspaper. The highlight of your weeks will be putting extra Pickles on Bill’s sandwich right before sending him off to tap lessons.
Just remember, seniors, your days in the bars of Happy Valley will soon be gone but never forgotten! The Black Sheep would say we have faith in you as a parent… but we would rather you take another shot and savor your fleeting youth.
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