PSU Dining Halls Retaliate Against the Evils of Sled Trays

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Last Tuesday’s snowstorm brought with it the great joy that is a snow day. The rare occasion called for students like Seth Thomas to take advantage by turning dining hall trays into makeshift sleds.

“It’s simple really: you get some food for energy, steal a tray, and head to the nearest slope. This is the kind of creativity I’m supposed to learn in college,” explained Seth before descending downhill aboard a tray 1/4th his size.

At Pollock, Findlay, Redifer, and Waring Commons, this thieving practice caught on until campus dining was cleaned out of trays.

One dining hall worker is reported as saying “The tray epidemic at Penn State has worsened with every snow day, and we are determined to fight back next time.”

 In response to this peculiar phenomenon, campus dining vows to add tracking devices to the replacement trays. If a tray strays outside the commons area, the culprit will be tracked down by the newly-instated Campus Tray Watch Committee and placed in campus dining custody at any of the four Penn State dining halls. Devoted to the protection of trays, the group’s goal is to eliminate tray theft by 2018. Campus dining has taken on a Seinfeld-esque “no tray for you” policy, revoking tray privileges for students caught stealing from the commons.

Of course, students refuse to let this tradition be ruined. The student body has responded to the tray policy by protesting at the Allen Street Gates, and Penn State students can now sign a petition for the university to supply students with sleds on snow days after killing a favorite Penn State pastime.

One protestor is reported as saying “Taking away the dining hall sleds is an infringement of my rights as a student. We can’t be oppressed by campus dining. I preserve my right to bear sled trays!”

There was also a strike led by student members of the campus dining staff, followed by a riot in Beaver Canyon, with lampposts taken down and riot police present. A few creative rioters attempted to turn the fallen lampposts into sleds while screaming, “Don’t you miss the sled trays now?”

Julie Burns, a devoted tray-stealer, summed up the student body’s fury and determination by saying, “The next snow day may take months or even years, but we won’t forget. Taking away our sled trays is an act of war.”

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