Let’s get this out of the way from the start—it is absolutely appropriate to impose on anyone you even barely know who attends Penn State on Arts Fest weekend. Obviously every Penn State student’s real friends already live at Penn State, too, so their extra beds and floor space will be free.
, bring raspberry Smirnoff for the high school memz. Also bring a bottom-shelf tequila, perhaps Tortilla, with a few off-brand chasers you bought last minute at the State College Weis Market. Save some of the McDonald’s fries from your rest stop lunch (the ones you forgot to eat because they fell into the bottom of the bag) to give to your hosts in a show of altruism and portion control.
9:15 p.m., Friday, July 14:
But, you know which portions you don’t control? The ones that involve alcohol. That’s right. You’re visiting Penn State, so you better be able to back up the big game you talked on FB message. The only problem is, you didn’t go to Penn State, so you can’t. Get your host drunk enough, though, and he or she will have no idea that you still puked in the (surprisingly upscale) Champs bathroom after just four shots of the car-temperature vodka you brought as an apartment-warming gift.
2:04 a.m., Saturday, July 15:
As you walk back to your friend’s apartment from the bars, you see a line of hungry drunks that fills the alley behind the Gaff, and recognize the familiar multicolored lights from every Penn Stater’s late-night Snap story. You decide that Yallah Taco is the perfect nightcap for a night in Happy Valley, even though your host may not agree after you forget to put your leftovers in the fridge, and make the entire apartment smell like feet.
12:02 p.m., Saturday, July 15:
You survived the first night. Thanks to your body’s desire for the healing powers of sleep, you’re already late to stand in the Café line for an hour or scout out a daylong. You’re slowly realizing how taxing it’ll be to fake your rallying abilities for the rest of the long weekend.
., Saturday, July 15:
Coincidentally, Arts Fest also features actual art, in addition to drinking opportunities. Lie and say you care about art ever since you saw people making it on the street when you studied abroad (or visited NYC). Nobody can blame you for being a connoisseur of culture. You actually took two art history classes in college! But they weren’t with our man Dr. Robin Thomas, so does it really count?
6:12 p.m., Saturday, July 15:
As much as you may love art, though, you can’t meander through campus and downtown for more than three hours without raising suspicion that you’re not the complete savage (with cultural sensitivity) that you said you became at your liberal arts school. Sneak back to your friend’s apartment while he or she is taking the always necessary pregame nap, then invigorate him when he wakes up with your excessive zeal to go out that night.
10:45 p.m., Saturday, July 15:
Although you recovered much better than your host from your lack of day-drinking, you’re now struggling not to have a nervous breakdown as your friend insists that you switch lines five times as a result of overcrowding from all the visitors.
11:15 a.m., Sunday, July 16:
Please, after realizing that all 3 Waffle Shop lines are too long, do suggest that we visit you at your school in Arkansas that nobody has heard of. With that, it’s time for you to hit the road, better known as the hour of traffic trying to leave State College with thousands of other people on a single-lane road.